The Bitter Girl’s Guide to Halloween
It’s that time of year again, twamps: Halloween. Don’t know what to go as or what to do? Welcome to the Bitter Girl’s Guide to Halloween! Here are a few things that may annoy you during Halloween and how you can fix them.
1. Cold costumes
You might look super cute in your cheerleader costume but you seem to have forgotten that Halloween is at the end of OCTOBER! Unless you happen to live in Miami you’re definitely going to freeze to death walking between parties. If you’re looking for a more comfortable alternative consider something more practical, preferably with sweatpants, uggs, or even full on footie pajamas. If anyone criticizes you of being unimaginative simply smile and walk away, leaving them to shiver in the night.
2. Slutty costumes
Don’t forget that sexy nurses/police officers/firefighters/soldiers/nuns/teachers are always excellent costume choices. Nothing upholds the years of training and dedication that go into these professions quite like stiletto heels and a garter. We recommend adding sex appeal to your own favorite profession. Ever thought of going as a slutty accountant or a sexy tollbooth operator? You’re welcome.
3. Generic animal costumes
Oh, you’re a kitty/bunny/mouse? So original! Follow the Bitter Girl’s lead and go as a more uncommon animal. The best choice? A sloth. You can use your lazy animal costume as an excuse to leave a party early when you’ve had enough human interaction to last you the rest of the school year.
4. Instagramming #halloweekend
Because if you didn’t instagram yourself in costume three nights in a row, did you really celebrate #halloweekend? Pics or it didn’t happen. If you have no pictures, how will everyone see how much fun you had and how creative you are? If you didn’t take any, you should just stop trying for all future Halloweens, you narc.
5. Staying in
If you love dressing up as a sexy minion, going to crowded places, and having a very high chance of someone spilling a drink on you, then a Halloween party is the perfect place for you. If you’d rather not have to deal with anyone, then go as a film critic. Necessary elements include Netflix, a bed, pajamas, and a giant bucket of candy to eat by yourself. You’ll give this night two thumbs up.
6. Politically Incorrect Costumes
Sure, everybody has different opinions about the importance of political correctness, but it’s important to know when a line has been crossed. Nobody has to tell you that 9/11 costumes will never be funny and that Caitlyn Jenner is a person, not a costume. If you want a fun costume that will allow you to showcase your knowledge of current events, we suggest breaking out your best designer suit, grabbing the worst blonde toupee you can find, and pledging to “Make America Great Again” as everybody’s favorite Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump. Be sure to memorize all of his best lines and policies to recite to your friends. Everybody will be so jealous of your business knowledge and willingness to say what’s really on your mind that they probably won’t want to talk to you for the rest of the night… or ever again. This leaves you some extra time to count your money and drink in peace. They’re just haters anyway.
7. Racist costumes
In 2015 you’d think that people didn’t have to be told that cultures are not costumes. Yet, when you head out on Halloween night, rest assured that you’ll come across a group of friends who thought that it’d be fun to dress up as cowboys and indians complete with American Indian headdresses or some girl who thought that her Nicki Minaj costume wouldn’t be complete without a fake booty and dab of blackface. After you overcome the shock that such ignorance still exists, take a deep breath and take a moment to explain to them that a person’s background, religion, and ethnicity are not costumes to be donned and discarded at will, but a representation of their history and personal identity that is meant to be upheld and respected. For once, don’t be sarcastic.
With this arsenal of advice under your belt, you’re ready to go forth and conquer Halloween like the cold, unfeeling, bitter girl that you are. Or you can just stay at home and skip Halloween altogether. We like the latter option.