The Bitter Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again: Valentine’s Day. For the Bitter Girl, Valentine’s Day is more than half-priced chocolate on the 15th and enduring multiple instagram posts of undying love from people who only started dating 3 weeks ago. Read below to find out what we hate (and sometimes love) about Valentine’s Day.

1. Making it a weekend and not a day

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You know that Valentine’s Day is going to be the worst when you’re trying to make plans with your friend and they say, “Oooh, sorry. I can’t. That’s Valentine’s Weekend.” Last you checked, the holiday was called Valentine’s DAY. Also, you fail to understand how someone can spend 72 hours with just one person. Is it really too much to ask that they take a 2-hour break to grab lunch? Some people might call you bitter for not appreciating the magic of Valentine’s Weekend, but you know that you’re too smart to be fooled by corporate America’s plan to line its pockets with commercial interests. Wake up sheeple! 

2. Getting cards without candy

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Bruh what is even the point of getting a card if there’s no candy in it? Next time, just get your significant other/friend to tell you how they feel instead of setting you up for disappointment. At least no candy is better than playing a game of Russian roulette with the $1 box of chocolates. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, “Aww… I got the one filled with toothpaste.”

3. Single pity

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If you are not in a relationship this Valentine’s Day, you know to expect one (or more) of the following sentences from every friend that is in one. “Oh, maybe next Valentine’s Day. You never know when you’ll meet someone. I don’t understand why you’re still single. Oh my god, have you tried Tinder?!? I’ve always wanted to see how it works! You should download it so I can live vicariously through you!” Even if you are perfectly content with being single, they (and probably your parents) still feel like there’s no way you could be happy on Valentine’s Day because you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend and will probably offer to set you up with someone. Also, if you and another person are friends with benefits or aren’t official yet, you will inevitably have an awkward “where are we going with this” talk after less than a month of knowing each other. Long story short, get yourself a few bottles of wine not out of pity for yourself but as an attempt to withstand others’ pity. As far as you know, February 14th is the date of the NBA All Star game and nothing else.  Also if your parents pity you, milk that and get them to send you a care package full of chocolate and money.

4. Being able to take advantage of couple’s deals

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There’s one aspect of Valentine’s Day that is always able to take the edge off your cold, bitter heart: two for one deals. Last you checked, that fancy restaurant in town didn’t specify that in order to enjoy their couples steak and wine deal you actually had to be part of a couple. Feel free to get dressed up and treat yo-self to a night on the town with the only one you love, yourself. But be prepared if the restaurant staff gives you a hard time for wining and dining alone. Plan ahead and buy a life-size cardboard cutout of your celebrity crush to plant in the chair across from you. As long as you make sure that the romantic candlelight doesn’t set your bae on fire, it’ll be the dinner of your dreams.

5. Couple’s competition

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If you are in a relationship, Valentine’s Day is one of the most stressful days of the year. Not only do you have to top your previous Valentine’s Day, but you also have to out-do the other couples on campus. You always have to lie about your plans to other couples to make you appear like the most romantic champions of Valentine’s Day. “Yeah, we’re totally going to Blue Talon and then going to CW’s outdoor ice skating rink and not just getting pizza and staying in. Because that is a thing that will happen.” The lesson learned here is to always start with extremely low Valentine’s day standards. Nothing says “you’re special to me” quite like microwaved Hot Pockets under fluorescent lighting in a dorm room. Now anything you do after that will make you look like John Cusack in Say Anything. Also, there’s always Chancellor’s Bistro.

6. Planning ahead

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Nobody wants to be that couple who sets and publicizes their plans a month in advance for Valentine’s Day. But really, do others not understand how much effort goes into planning this stuff? You must do something that is romantic but not too mushy but you can still humblebrag about to others but must appear to be spontaneous. The pressure to be a perfectly adorable couple is real, friends. Also, if your significant other of two weeks suggests you cross the Crim Dell bridge together so you will inevidently get married, run.

7. Social media

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Just when you thought you could seclude yourself at home and ignore the nauseating pink hearts that seem to permeate the very air you breathe, you log into Facebook and are affronted with a barrage of lovey-dovey statuses. As you scroll through each rose-tinted collage and overly dramatic expression of undying love (seriously, they’ve only been dating for two months) you begin to realize just how lucky you are to not have to shamelessly showboat all over the internet. Instead, snap a selfie with your favorite bottle of wine and craft an expression of undying love because you know that through thick and thin, your true love will never leave you. Wine, I love you.

TLDR: Don’t be bitter because that’s what they want you to be. All you need is love; love for yourself, love for wine, and love for all the half-price chocolate that money can buy.

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