If you’re reading this, you probably got out of a relationship that you knew wasn’t the healthiest, but you can’t help missing them. This is 100% normal, and it is okay to miss your toxic ex or that toxic relationship. They meant something to you, and regardless of how they treated you, they held a special place in your heart. But, you still feel like there’s something wrong with you for being upset over a guy that is an absolute jerk and didn’t deserve you. Here’s why it’s okay to feel like that (use whatever pronouns fit best for you):
- You probably have good memories together
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You probably wouldn’t miss them if you had no good memories together. I think it’s safe to say you guys probably had some good times and laughs. It’s hard to let that go. There isn’t much to say when it comes to that. It’s always difficult to have to say goodbye to something that brought you happiness at one point. Just remember that happiness isn’t there anymore; they haven’t made you happy in a long time if you’re being honest with yourself, and it’s important you remember the bad times when you miss the good memories.
- You put a lot of energy into them
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It was probably a long relationship because it takes time to get that attached to someone, so you invested a lot of your time and energy into this person. You cared about them more than you cared about yourself sometimes, and their problems became yours. Maybe you even felt like a parent to them with the way you worried about them. On top of that, you probably made this person the center of your world, someone you would have done anything for to the point where you probably weren’t really focused on your own mental health and happiness anymore. All of a sudden that energy you put into them was for nothing because they’re gone and you have all this time that you have no clue what to do with. The good news is, you now can put that energy into you, which kind of leads into the next point.
- You have to make a lot of lifestyle changes
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This is a big one, mostly because it involves many different things. First of all, you have to go back to being single, which is rarely fun at first. You miss being with somebody and feel lonely. It’s a big shift to get used to, especially if this was someone you wanted a future with. With a lot of toxic relationships, you can feel that something is off, but you still want to make it work because you ‘love’ them. It’s hard to let go of not only your past with them, but the future you guys created the possibility of. But, this is the perfect time to work on yourself: re-engage with old hobbies, work out, redecorate your house/room, become the best version of you!
- They probably had some good qualities
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This kind of goes with the first one. Very few people are 100% evil, and they probably did have good qualities, especially in the beginning. Often, people say, “I just wish they would go back to how they were in the beginning”. This is extremely common because chances are, they were very good to you at the start of your relationship. and you are going to miss the way they treated you back then. It’s important at this time that you realize the person you fell in love with is not coming back. The version of them that you miss is not going to magically come back when you take a break for a week. I do believe people can change, but toxic people rarely do. And on the off chance that they do, it would take many years.
- You are still grieving the loss of someone
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They might still be alive, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered a loss. You’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve lost someone who you were very attached to, and this is going to trigger the grieving process. Allow yourself to grieve them and your relationship and be gentle with yourself through this. You are going to miss them, the memories, the cuddles, and anything good that happened during the relationship. During this time, try to think of something they did that hurt you when you think of something good about the relationship. This will help stop the urge to text them and can help bring you back down to Earth and make you realize that even though the good times were great, the bad times were beyond miserable.
- You ‘loved’ them
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This is the most important one and the reason I put that in quotes is because you probably did feel that you loved them. You would have given everything to be with them and you did give up a lot to try to make it work. However, there is something called trauma bonding that occurs in the majority of abusive/toxic relationships. Basically, you form a connection in your head between love and feeling like crap. This is usually because of how the victim grew up; if they were neglected as a child, they may rely on their partner to give them that attention they couldn’t get growing up. If they were abused at a young age, they may feel it is always their fault when their partner is mad at them and that they need to make it up to them. It is especially difficult to leave a relationship with this type of dynamic because this roller coaster of emotions they put you on is familiar to you. Every time they give you the affection you want, it gives you this rush of happiness basically. The whole relationship becomes you trying to get that rush, so that’s why leaving a toxic relationship can literally feel like death. It really is comparable to suffering from the withdrawals of an addiction.
It is absolutely normal to miss your toxic ex or a toxic relationship. It is jarring to be separated from any partner, let alone one that you became so psychologically attached to. It hurts like hell, and it’s okay to grieve them. Be patient with yourself, I know everyone says that, but it’s true. It may feel like it will never get better and you will never love anyone again, but in time you will start thriving when you begin to work on yourself. There is no better revenge than moving on, and you will. You will find someone who supports you, truly loves you, and makes you unbelievably happy. And when you find them, you’ll be thankful for even the worst of your exes because each one brought you that much closer to that one person.