The Wisconsin Alumni Research Foundation (WARF) won the lawsuit they filed against Apple, which accused the tech giant of using patented technology developed by UW-Madison researchers in 1998. The jury has yet to decide what the monetary damages will be, but rumor has Apple could have to cough up as much as $862 million.
When I heard about this, my first thought was “Way to go Wisco, slaying it in the smart-people game once again.” I mean, only an extremely gifted university could produce technology in 1998 that Apple is using in 2015. My school is basically the best there is.
After I stopped swelling with pride over the accomplishments of my school, my next thought was, “$862 million dollars—that’s a lot of cash. I wonder what the university could do with that much cash.” Now, I am not naive enough to think that we should be expecting a check with a bunch of zeros from Apple anytime soon. I’m aware that action is being taken and angry phone calls are being made in the world of businessmen and lawyers right now, and the odds are not high that the university will end up with an extra $862mil in its pocket. But, thankfully, I do not live in that world. I am a writer, and I live in a world with endless possibility. So join me in that world, and let us imagine for a moment that the university got all that $$$ and it was up to us, the students, to decide what to do with it.
UW-Madison, are you listening? I’ve got a few ideas for you:
Lower the cost of textbooks—Don’t get me wrong, nothing thrills me more than handing over a sum of money equivalent to one month’s rent in order to buy some books I’ll use a handful of times. But I was thinking that maybe with extra cash in your pocket, you could give us poor college students a hand with these money-suckers you call “required reading.” I mean, these are critical learning tools, and you want us to learn, don’t you? Don’t you??
Tear down Humanities and replace it with a building that doesn’t look inside out—Come on. You know you want to. You know you want to take a giant wrecking-ball to that architectural embarrassment. If not for your own happiness, do it for those poor liberal arts majors. Do it for our devoted tour guides, so that as they are showing off the beauty of Library Mall, State Street and Bascom Hill to prospective students, they won’t have to answer that one person who raises their hand, points to the building, and says, “Um, what the hell is that?”
Give the SERF a makeover—I know you’re already doing this, but just in case you’re getting cold feet and are thinking about skimping on the renovations, don’t. For years we’ve put up with the sick joke that is having the cardio room on the fourth floor (as was probably the case with Humanities as well, I believe some illegal substances were involved when the blueprints were drawn up). And since you’ve some extra cash to spend, if you feel like throwing in a sauna or jacuzzi, I certainly won’t object.
Build some underground tunnels—While I love admiring the beauty that is Madison, Wisconsin in the spring and fall, during the winter my only mission is to get from point A to B fast enough so I don’t lose a toe or two. The U of M has them, and since we’re already far superior than Minnesota in every other conceivable way, let’s just make it a wrap and add those tunnels.
Bring back down the tuition for out-of-state and graduate students—Though we may not willingly admit it, us Sconnies love our Coasties, and we don’t want to see them going anywhere because of increased tuition. The same can be said for our friends from Illinois, Indiana, and any other state in this lovely country of ours. And as for our grad students, who do you think developed this technology that got you the money in the first place? Graduate student researchers, that’s who. So as a little thank-you, it might be nice of you to ease their financial burden.
Get going on the MU Construction—I don’t know exactly what it will take to speed up the construction at Memorial Union, but I’m sure it’s nothing a little $862 million can’t solve. So let’s crank it up, full steam ahead! I want my Rathskeller back, I want my Peet’s coffee back, and I swear, if the terrace isn’t up and running by the time I turn 21 and I can’t have my inaugural beer on the terrace, there will be hell to pay. But seriously, we miss our terrace–bring it back please.
Put in a Culver’s on Campus—No, a Dunkin’ Donuts. Never mind, Culver’s. No, wait–yes, Dunkin’ Donuts. No, actually…How about you just ease my internal struggle in put both in. Then my world will be complete.
While I’m sure all my ideas for how to spend that pile of gold are ingenious, there are many more ways it could be spent. Before this annoying thing called reality sets in, think for a moment: if you were UW-Madison, what would you do with $862 million?