A reflection on female friendship
When I was young, there was an image of love in my mind. Swoon-worthy carrying of lovers through the threshold, lipstick marks on cuffs of collared shirts, shared jerseys and slow dances weaving easy circles in a field. I’ve done some of that. That’s not what this is about. Here lies an ode to another kind of love. The kind you find through friendships with women, even women before they are women, girls. My girls have taught me countless lessons about what it means to love and be loved. For this, I am forever changed.
Our hearts are not untouchable, however hard our exteriors may be. The love that you experience etches itself on your heart like blackboard sketches. It nestles into your ribs and stands as a reminder. Yes. It says, you saw me, you see me, you were good to me.
Kali’s love feels like an anchor. Ginger curls, callused hands, quick laughs and confident decisions, she loved me first like it was assistance. A woman who taught me how to exist in the “rules” of high school, then, how important it was to disregard them completely. Being confidants made me confident. Now, she loves me like it’s memory. States away and hearing her voice is a soft place to land, a knowing smile, a protective reminder. This is not to say that love like this is perfect. I hold fast to the narrative that absolutely nothing, is. The love of a woman like Kali must be worked for, tended and cared for, as all the best things are. Kali’s love is not a gift, it is a luxury, one I have every intention of preserving.
Mae’s love feels like exploration. Mud-cake boots, toothy smiles, the hum of a truck engine, simple communication and striking elegance. An all-American girl who taught me that you can trust in friends after a painful conflict. Mae’s love seems to ask the question: Well yeah? Why wouldn’t I want to love you back?”, finding me during a time when my heart ached for this affirmation. A woman who hears me tell her how I feel and doesn’t ask again, takes it in and effortlessly reassures me. Being loved by Mae is taking the long way home, lying together in the warm sun, paddling through easy waters and racing down open paths. Mae taught me that honesty is an expectation, not an earned quality. Mae’s love is not dull, it’s obvious, a fact that I am glad to have learned.
Zoe’s love feels like inspiration. Glossy black hair, chocolate brown sleeves, gold rings on conducting fingers, finely tuned humming and bubbling laughter. A girl who fell into my life like a missing piece, clicking into place when I didn’t know I needed her. Being loved by Zoe feels like seeing the light in shadowed places, looking through a new lens at the world. While her head reaches near my elbow, Zoe’s love is strong, protective. She is graceful, creative and steadfast, directing a symphony with the same grace she applies to her own decisions. Zoe will show you the world as she intends it, holding you to the standard of good you are. Never letting you forget it. Zoe’s love is not harsh, it’s passionate, an inciting ember that keeps me warm wherever I go.
I now live 1,069 miles from these girls. But their love stretches the distance, etched as a reminder on my heart. With not a year spent in a new town, I have been blessed by the love of more incredible women.
Brigid’s love feels like loyalty. Soft brown curls, pastel floral patterns, violet sandals, easy nicknames and inclusive kindness. Being loved by Brigid is having someone to watch your back, to pick you up when you fall, nurse you when you’re sick, and stand your ground. Brigid’s is a woman who will remember your favorite candy and take two trips to make sure she got the right one. Brigid’s love is not “too much” it is the exact right amount, effortless assistance, just a door’s open swing away.
Lulu’s love feels like pure joy. Black and white eyelashes, handcrafted jewelry, flickering candles, silly jokes, and shouted compliments. Being loved by Lulu is having a reminder to appreciate the little things in life. She is a woman who goes back for seconds, smiles often and makes every place feel a bit more like home. Lulu’s love is not funny, it’s fun, reminding you that sometimes even brief parts of life are worth enjoying.
Nina’s love feels like counsel. Round glasses, baseball caps, hair flowing from a high ponytail, perceptive compliments and sage advice. Being loved by Nina feels like having a kind advisor, a shoulder to cry on, matched with a sharp wit to point out your true worth. She is a woman who sees you for both who you are and who you intend to be, pushing you to treat yourself with the same kindness you treat others. Nina’s love is not condescending, it’s caring, helping you be just as true to yourself as you are to others.
Kassy’s love feels like acclaim. Perfectly glossed lips, organized flashcards, hands raised for the chorus and an outstretched arm leading you through the crowd. Being loved by Kassy is having a fairy-godmother, a biggest fan, someone who will tell you exactly what you deserve. She is a woman of drive and effortless ambition, committed to doing good and making those around her feel seen. They do. Kassy’s love is not blind faith, it’s admiration, helping you feel just as warm as she sees you.
Ella’s love is exaltation. Braided pigtails, yellow gingham, sour candy, skipping steps, and tender hugs. Being loved by Ella is laughing harder than you ever have before, being inspired to take risks, and saying exactly what you feel. Lifes too short, isn’t it? Ella’s love is running bravely forward, falling down and getting right back up. She is a woman of unbridled joy, feeling every part of life as if it reaches her core. To be loved by Ella is to catch every sunset, yell for every point and celebrate the wins of others as genuinely as you would your own. Ella’s love is not loud, it’s roaring, reminding you that sometimes you just gotta go for it.
This piece is a reminder. There is not only one way to love. While Valentine’s hearts and wedding rings are well and good, remember the ways others in your life love you. For me, whether it be exaltation, acclaim, counsel, loyalty, inspiration, exploration, anchor, and everything in between. My girls have taught me so much about love.