How the “you don’t owe anyone” rhetoric undermines community and connection
Yes, you can have boundaries. Yes, you can put yourself first. However, you live in a community and if you want to foster connections, you DO owe people things. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that we’re only responsible for ourselves, especially when you’re constantly consuming content online that tells you, “You don’t owe anyone anything” or “You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.” While these messages can be empowering and important in certain situations (particularly for those of us who have fallen victim to people-pleasing), they’re also part of a narrative that’s contributing to an increasingly individualistic society.
The message of “you don’t owe anyone anything” sounds freeing at first. It speaks to the need for personal boundaries, for not overextending yourself for the sake of others and for putting yourself first when you need to. I’ve been there and I get it. For years, I was caught up in trying to please everyone around me, at the expense of my own well-being. Now that I’ve learned how to set boundaries, I appreciate their value. We all need to take care of ourselves and ensure we’re not losing our identities by constantly saying “yes” to others. But here’s where things get complicated. The constant reinforcement of these messages, the ones that tell us to decenter everyone else, are feeding into a larger trend that undermines the sense of community and mutual responsibility that is vital for human connection.
We are living in an age where it’s becoming harder and harder to feel a sense of collective responsibility. The more we’re encouraged to put ourselves first, the more we reinforce a culture that says “me” over “we.” While it’s true that personal freedom is important, this individualism often comes at the expense of shared responsibility, mutual care and connection. By constantly hearing that we don’t owe anyone anything, it can begin to feel as though the only thing that matters is our happiness and our well-being. That mindset, while absolutely necessary in moderation, can become toxic when you apply it to everything
The thing is, yes, you don’t literally owe anyone everything. However, when we get too comfortable with this idea, it creates a culture where we start to believe we owe nothing to anyone at all, which is harmful. Relationships, whether personal or professional, require mutual effort, compromise and, at times, a little bit of sacrifice. It’s easy to adopt the mentality of “I don’t owe anyone an explanation” when, in reality, there are times when you really do owe people an explanation. If we live by these mantras alone, we risk becoming more isolated and less willing to show up for others. In reality, fostering genuine, meaningful connections with others requires us to do more than just focus on our own needs.
This isn’t about going back to people-pleasing. It’s about acknowledging that while we need boundaries, we also need community. We need the give-and-take of relationships, where sometimes we give more of ourselves because that’s what relationships require. It’s not about ignoring our needs; it’s about recognizing that being part of a healthy society means you do owe something to others, whether it’s your time, your empathy, or your support when they need it.
The messages we consume that tell us to prioritize only our own happiness are reinforcing a society where everyone is just looking out for themselves. We’re encouraged to guard our time fiercely and to protect our energy to the point where we forget that being part of a community isn’t just about taking from it, but about contributing to it. We need to balance the importance of self-care with the responsibility of being there for others. We all have a role to play in our networks of relationships and most cannot thrive in isolation.
So yes, boundaries are extremely important. However, it’s also crucial to recognize that the more we focus solely on ourselves and our personal well-being, the more we’re feeding into an individualistic culture that encourages detachment and disconnection. We shouldn’t be afraid to prioritize our own mental health and happiness, but we also shouldn’t allow that to come at the cost of completely ignoring the needs of the people around us. If we want to build communities we have to understand that showing up for others isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a mutual exchange.
In the end, it’s about finding that delicate balance: yes, protect your boundaries, yes, prioritize yourself, but don’t forget that you are part of a larger web of human connection. You don’t owe anyone everything, but you do owe the people who matter your presence, your care and your willingness to show up when you can. It’s through these connections that we not only maintain our individuality but also contribute to the well-being of the community that supports us.