April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and unfortunately is something that is all too familiar of a topic on college campuses. On most campuses across the nation, about 1 in every 5 women have been sexually assaulted or harassed. On the UW-Madison campus, it happens to be 1 in 4 women. This statistic is ridiculous, and I wholeheartedly believe that our campus needs to input some better preventative measures to stop this behavior. However, regardless of the anger we feel towards these numbers and this crisis, it’s very likely that someone you know, whether in class, just passing by or someone who is very close to you, has probably been sexually assaulted, harassed, or experienced some form of gendered violence. With that, it’s important to be a strong support system for them in giving the guidance they need to go through these difficult and tough times. Here are some quick tips and reminders on how to be the right kind of support for the survivor in your life.
- Believe Them
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The very first and important thing about supporting any person in their experience is to believe them! This is the first and foremost thing that should take precedence over anything else when supporting a survivor. By believing them, they are going to know that they have at least the bare minimum support in knowing that the events that they have experienced were valid. The worst thing a person can do in attempting to give support is asking questions about whether they think it happened or whether it was all in their head. It’s like in bystander training—if you see something that makes you feel off, it’s more than likely to be a potentially dangerous situation. This is the same thing—if your friend is confiding in you with this information, it’s probably just as bad as it seems and is ultimately important to believe them. Plus, it would be pretty far-fetched that someone would make up a scenario in which they’ve been abused. If they are, I think there’s a bigger issue—and ultimately, they are one of the bigger parts of the problem. Overall, though, believing your friend is one of the more vital support systems needed to address the problem and allow them to know that they are not alone.
- Avoid Judgment
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Now that we’ve covered the first part of providing support for your survivor, always avoid asking questions or saying things that show judgment towards your friend. More likely than not, they are telling you this because they want to seek guidance, help and overall trusting support. Invalidating them by asking questions about how much they drank or what they were wearing honestly has little to do with the fact that negligent sexual behavior allowed this to happen to them. Giving them reassurance that this isn’t their fault and supporting them in whatever they need to heal is key.
- Ask Them What They Need
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Another thing to consider when supporting your friend who’s a survivor is simply just asking them what they need. A lot of times, as a friend, it can be hard because you want to start working as fast as you can to make them feel better—but that may not always be what your friend wants. It’s hard to see someone hurting and going through something so difficult, but everyone heals differently, and they may want more time or other ways of receiving support. The most important thing to value is that someone trusted you enough to tell you their experience, and asking them what they need and checking in on them is a great way to reinforce that you do care and want what’s best for them in this dark time. Support is always best received when approaching with care.
- Seek External Support Systems
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Say your friend does want external support and says they want to start talking with a therapist or bring it to the police. The biggest thing for you to do as a supporter is to walk in this journey with them in the ways that they need you to there. Maybe helping them look up campus resources that could help them on their journey is the first step at seeking help—because let’s be honest, handling this information on your own is enough trouble. Going with them to the police station or accompanying them on their way to the therapist’s office are very easy and simple ways to help them out in this difficult time. Being patient is also an important factor in being a great friend, because healing takes time. Maybe in doing this, seek out counseling for yourself as a friend of a survivor—because even as a support system, heavy conversations are never easy to take on alone. This way, you can also look at some ways at how to be a better friend during this difficult time.
- Listen
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Last, but most certainly not least, is to LISTEN! One overarching thing to always remember as a friend of a survivor is to always offer the ear that they confided in to come to. Just listening and being attentive to their needs in a scary time shows all the more support. Listening will help you gain perspective on how they’re feeling and what they need. In contrast, offering them solutions that they may not want while being overbearing in the conversation can give your friend the idea that you’re not listening and want to fix an unfortunate experience with a Band-Aid. It is always important to actively listen and understand where your friends are coming from.
I hope this list gave you some insight on how to be a good support system to a friend who you care deeply about! Maybe there were some things that you might not have thought about, and will consider if a friend ever confides in you with this type of information. Being a good support system is the root of healing for the survivors in our lives.