This Tuesday, the unthinkable happened. At a very legal 22 years of age, I was flat-out rejected from my favorite bar on campus. Forget the fact that it is my watering hole of choice, forget the fact that it is THE spot to be on Tuesday nights and forget the fact that I have been frequenting said bar for four years now without any trouble whatsoever. The important thing here is that it was downright humiliating for a gal of my stature (I’m referring only to my age here, duh) and a massive blow to my (somewhat inflated) ego. I think it’s important that I share this experience with you, loyal readers, so you can use it as a step-by-step guide of what NOT to do when you are rejected.
1. Do NOT give the bouncer who rejects you a judgmental up-and-down, and proceed to ask him who the f@#! he thinks he is. He is the bouncer and that is why he is checking your ID. It is unnecessary to elaborate and it is probably best not to bite the hand that feeds you (allows you entry into the bar).
2. After your futile attempt at bitching out the bouncer until he lets you in, do NOT make a complete 180 and instead try to flirt your way in. Any bouncer with even a shred of self-respect will see right through this and has probably already seen this tactic used at least 27 times that night. It gets old, and since there’s a good chance you will be slightly/highly intoxicated, you WILL look stupid, i.e., that “seductive” way you bat your eyes really just looks like a series of violent blinks typically reserved for getting a speck of dust out of your eye.
3. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT ask to see a manager. This is just an all-around embarrassing strategy, as the bouncers will outsmart you and rope in the closest bar employee to pretend he is the manager. Said employee will then make you feel bad about yourself as he cuts you off every time you attempt to explain why you should be allowed in, and – as you may have guessed – will not let you in.
4. At this point, thinking you have exhausted all your other options, you will resort to yelling and screaming and cursing. THIS WILL NOT WORK. Having your friends join in only exacerbates the problem, as you will surely all be asked/demanded to leave. It is time to give up, as you have lost the fight. However, I am not completely against having the last word. It feels pretty damn good to yell one last profanity or throw one last inappropriate gesture as you storm out.
5. Although you should go to another bar with the one or two friends who were kind enough to leave with you, do NOT text all remaining friends you are having the time of your life and they should come join you immediately. Let’s be honest, this is just a cry for attention and they are probably having more fun than you at the bar you could have been at, had you not been such a d*ck.