Learning to enjoy what is rather than waiting for what will be
Yesterday was my 20th birthday, and it came and passed with much less internal turmoil than I expected. I spent the day with my friends, ate good food and received thoughtful presents, just like any birthday. And maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet, but I’m not feeling any of the pressure and urgency that I felt in the build-up to the big day.
When October started and I knew a new decade was approaching, I began to spiral into anxiety about growing older. Even though I was excited, it was unnerving how fast this milestone had crept up on me. I was excited to be independent, but also nervous that the reality of this stage of life wouldn’t live up to my expectations of what I want for myself. I started to dread my twentieth birthday. I saw it as the starting line to a race against my own dreams and desires.
Because every single dream I have for my life is supposed to happen in my twenties. I want to be a mother more than I’ve ever wanted anything before. I want to have a fulfilling career where I am learning and helping people every day. I want to build a life that feels like morning sunshine streaming through the windows. I have always imagined my lifelong dreams coming true in my twenties, but once I arrived on the brink, it all seemed too idealistic to accomplish in the next ten years.
All of this to say, this was the first birthday that felt like a burden rather than an opportunity. For the past month, I’ve felt some clock ticking away the days until I need to make everything happen. My urgency was driven by the paralyzing fear of failing to build a life that fulfills me. I falsely began to believe that the second October 25th came along, I needed to have everything figured out.
Now, on October 26th, I realize I have nothing figured out. But now I see that nothing is different today than it was two days ago. The world keeps turning at a steady pace, unaware that I am one year older.
So why should I care so much? My future happiness is dependent on my actions in every moment, not just in my twenties. I spent weeks bracing for an impact that never happened, without realizing that turning from 19 to 20 does not drastically change my future in any way.
I realize now that I have already been on my path, and I will continue on it steadily. I think I need to focus more on enjoying what’s here now rather than dwelling on the abstracts of the future.
And what’s here now is so, so good. I have a family that supports me and friends that I adore. I have a steady job and get to study in a program I love. I’m in therapy and I do pilates and I constantly check out too many books on my library card. I was so caught up in the stress of building my future life that I forgot about the life I have right now. It’s not always perfect, but it’s something to be proud of.
As I sat around the dinner table yesterday with all of my friends, I reveled in the feeling of being loved and celebrated. Not for who I want to be or the things I may accomplish, but simply for who I am right now. And that’s what my twentieth birthday ended up being about. Big hugs, sparkly pink candles and going around the table sharing our excitement for the coming year. Being with the girls I love so dearly helped me realize that this new decade is not about racing to get somewhere else, but enjoying where I am at every moment. There are still so many things I hope to experience, but I see now that my life already feels like sunshine through the windows.