First, let me say that I by no means wish to discount the other acts of terror that have occurred around the world. I am writing this only because I feel a deep connection to Paris.
France has always held a spot in my heart. I went to France for the first time when I was two and have returned many times since then. Some of my earliest memories are of getting carsick on the winding streets in Northern France. Trying “escargot” and realizing it wasn’t really that weird. Ordering a chocolate cake in a French bakery when I was five, surrounded by French women shrieking at this little American girl.
I don’t know how I knew I would love Paris. I don’t know how I knew I wanted to be there. Something in my gut just knew it was right. Paris fit me. Looking back on it, it seems so crazy that I gave up my life at Wisconsin to go to a country where I knew no one. Finding my own apartment. Taking all my classes in French. But I have never been so happy. I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. I nannied for two children I love so much. I created a life for myself. My apartment felt like home. I knew the barista at the café downstairs. The man who worked in the metro booth. The woman at the bakery. I had a life there, which hurt more than I expected to leave behind.
I was too little to really understand 9/11, but the attacks on Paris are something that will always stay in my mind. As the death count rose on the Internet, I frantically contacted all my loved ones in Paris. Thankfully, no one I knew was harmed. I lay awake the next night thinking of everyone I knew. Were they afraid? Did they feel safe? I received many frantic texts from my friends saying they were so happy I wasn’t in Paris. I managed to miss both the Charlie Hebdo attacks, along with these acts of terror. I felt unnecessarily lucky, but almost guilty. What did I do to deserve this that those other people didn’t?
During these times of pain and suffering, it is hard to find comfort. I try to find peace in the words of Albert Camus, who wrote, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.” Camus reminds us to never let the light out of our lives. The overwhelming positivity and support from the rest of the world has warmed my heart. In the passing weeks, I cannot even begin to wrap my head around this tragedy. However, I try to remember to always find the summer within myself. Even in times of despair there is within each one of us, an invincible summer to hold on to. Paris, je t’aime.