Things I’ve learned about friendship across my first two decades
Friends are a huge part of our lives. They’re the people we stay up all night laughing with, rely on when our hearts are broken and go to first when we have both amazing or terrible news among a million other things. Friendships are also multifaceted. They have their ups and downs, their beginnings and sometimes their endings. As incredible as friendships are, these complexities that bring us close to others can also be confusing to navigate.
At 21, I feel like I know everything and nothing about friendship all at the same time. I’m a true believer that each friendship is such a unique experience, and no two friendships will serve the same purpose in your life. I think this is why friendship is beautifully complex and sometimes complicated to understand. Through everything we experience, we learn and grow into who we are, and friends are an integral part of that. While I’m still learning about friendship, there are a few notes I’ve picked up over the years that have been helpful.
1. The phone goes both ways
Always remember, friendships go both ways. There have been numerous times I stare down at my phone thinking when is this friend going to text me? When this occurs, I recommend evaluating the situation before you point fingers. Sometimes, we don’t recognize when our friends feel this way about us, and it turns into a game; a hurtful cycle of who can sit patiently the longest waiting for the other to reach out.
The phone goes both ways, and you can’t always be the one on the receiving end — that’s not sustainable for a friendship. Often this happens without realizing it, so I recommend reaching out to that friend you’ve been awaiting a text from. The root of this lesson is the time-old saying that communication is key. Especially in nurturing relationships throughout a time in life when you’re not constantly in the same place like college, keeping in contact is sometimes the only way to maintain those long-distance friendships.
2. At the same time, it’s okay to stop watering dead plants
While the phone does go both ways, there are also situations when you’re doing your part, and your friend is not reciprocating the effort. Now, this doesn’t automatically mean they don’t care about the friendship — life is unpredictable, and sometimes people are busy or have things going on that lead them to shy away from relationships. However, it is a behavior to keep an eye on if it occurs for an extended period of time. Pouring into someone’s bucket who can’t or won’t pour back into yours isn’t healthy if it becomes a longstanding habit.
It’s tough when you recognize you’re doing your part reaching out and your friend isn’t. While this is easier said than done, try not to internalize their behavior. As mentioned above, there could be a multitude of reasons why a friendship that was once bustling has withered on the other person’s end. But I will also say it’s important to try not to hold any unnecessary ill will. Not all friendships last forever — they’re not all meant to.
A sad fact of life is that sometimes friendships drift apart. We grow and change, and this can mean that once incredible friendships become shells of what they once were. That doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t important, because each friendship is formative to who we are. Though it’s a tough pill to swallow, try to cherish the good memories and invest more in friends who fill your bucket or even the opportunity to make new friends.
3. Be open to making new friends
The idea that you need to have a strict “friend group” needs to be left in high school (if not erased completely). When you clump all your friendships into this imaginarily constructed bubble, you close yourself off to the possibility of meeting other great people who could become incredible friends. Even if you’ve found your best friends in the world, there’s no rule saying you can’t explore new friendships. Maturity is understanding that your best friend is allowed to have other friends — and vice-versa — and that doesn’t erase or threaten your places in each other’s lives.
Step outside of your comfort zone and allow whatever happens to happen. If that person in your class you always talk to asks you to go out for drinks and you’ve got a free schedule, go! If your work friends want to grab a drink after your shift, why not? You’ll miss out on some pretty amazing people if you force yourself to strictly stick to your established friendships.
4. Quality over quantity
This might seem like backtracking a bit, I know, but hear me out. Yes, you should be open to making new friends, but make sure these are friends who pour into your bucket. You can only give so much, and when friends don’t reciprocate your energy or what you need from a friendship, then there might not be a place for them in your life. This applies to current friends and new friends alike; make sure you’re surrounding yourself with people because they add to your life.
Reflect on the moments when you feel the most like yourself — moments where you sing at the top of your lungs in the car, laugh until your stomach hurts, or feel comfortable crying until it feels better — and take a step back to recognize who’s around you. I’d be willing to bet there’s a pattern, and these are the friends you’ll want to keep close to your side.
Some of these may seem like opposite sides of the same coin, but that’s because there aren’t black-and-white “rules” of friendship. As I mentioned, I still have a lot to learn about friendship, and I honestly think we all do — it’s something that requires lifelong learning. But coming to understand these facets of friendship has helped me grow in my relationships with friends and myself, and I think it’s a pretty good place to start.