How my journey of living with no smell has shaped me into a brighter person
I am able to step outside and smell crisp air or get a new fall candle once the leaves start turning. Waking up to the warm smell of cinnamon rolls, or simply being able to choose which perfume to buy so you smell nice every day. These are all things I took for granted and miss dearly every day. Why am I talking about everyday stuff like it’s a loved one I lost? Well, I’m not trying to make this a sob story, but it’s because on January 13th, 2021, I got COVID-19 and I woke up with no sense of smell or taste. I got my taste back a little later, but almost four years later, I still have absolutely no sense of smell. Nothing.
In the first few months of not having my smell, I would get really angry when people asked if I could smell something. And I mean, I would get really mad. I would hit them with an “Oh my god, can you please stop rubbing it in! No, I can’t smell that.” But after about a year, it started making me less and less mad. First, because it was happening so much, and it wasn’t worth putting up the fight, but secondly, I frankly realized that not everything is about me. And I know that sounds cliche, but it is a valid reason! No one else I know at least even thinks twice about smell. They aren’t thinking about how I can’t smell. It is a simple case of realizing and telling myself, “Hey, Lillie, not everything is about you!” But really, it is not their fault, and after they know they always feel bad. It is not something that I get mad at or mind anymore.
Even though I don’t spend time being mad anymore, I can’t say I don’t get sad or self-conscious when people talk about how good things smell, especially when they talk about people who aren’t me. Walking down the candle aisle at Target is one of my friends’ favorite activities, so to spare myself the pain, I choose to walk down the Squishmallow aisle instead. I know this sounds dramatic, but guys, you don’t understand how much I loved candles before I lost my smell. I was a girl that bought a new candle every month. So why would I let myself watch them enjoy what I loved so much and not be able to experience it myself?
Adding to that uneasy feeling, I never get to know when other people or even I smell bad. So, unfortunately, I have gained a severe phobia and anxiety about smelling bad that I think about constantly. I always ask my friends if I smell okay, or force them to come to Sephora with me to smell all of the perfumes. If you try to imagine, which is hard to do if you don’t live it every day, not being able to smell is confusing and makes for a weirdly sad life. I love life, don’t get me wrong, but like the examples I said before, there is so much left unknown when I wake up in the morning.
That being said, when I get the compliment “You smell good,” my day, if not my week, is made. It is such a relief because it truly is something that drives me crazy not being able to know about myself.
All this being said, having no smell does have its perks! People are always telling me how comfortable they feel around me knowing I won’t be able to smell a fart if they let one loose. I don’t have to smell all the terrible smells in the world, which trust me, does make life a lot simpler.
Living without a sense of smell has been a bittersweet journey of adaptation and growth. It’s taught me to appreciate the small but impactful moments — like the simple, reassuring words, “You smell good.” What was once a simple compliment has now become one that reassures me of a common insecurity I can squash on my own. While I miss the candles, the fresh air and the cozy cinnamon rolls, I’ve also learned to navigate life with humor, understanding and gratitude for the senses I do have. Although this has been a rollercoaster of a journey, losing my sense of smell has increased my appreciation of how precious the most simple abilities are, and how even a seemingly small compliment can carry the weight of a lifetime.