It ‘s Not so fun for everyone
It’s about that time of year when people are beginning to pack their things and speak about their delight in going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They talk about how they can’t wait to reconnect with old friends, see their families, and be in the town they grew up in.
Not to be a Grinch, but the holidays are not like that for me, especially not now. For me, the holidays are not a time of coming together, they are a time of isolation, and I can’t help but feel so lonely during them.
It is important to recognize that every family is different. My holidays have always been reserved for my immediate family. We moved around the country so much when I was a child that our extended family had a hard time keeping up. The rest live in different countries, so the time to see them is few and far between. Thanksgiving has always been a table of six with the Cowboys game playing in the background with conversations much to do about nothing at all.
My family is not exactly close or affectionate – we show up when we need each other, but in our day-to-day lives we are very independent and very private people. Then Christmas comes around, then New Year’s, and again, it is only the six of us. This became my normal, spending this time with my siblings – relying on them to be there.
Now that I am 19, it all feels so much different. The sister that I used to share a room with and bicker with about borrowing clothes is now an adult who lives across the country. My older brother who always made me laugh and annoyed me to no end no longer lives under the same roof and has his bills to pay. My younger brother who I always viewed as a baby is now inches taller than me and figuring out the wonders of high school. For me, everything is completely different, and the feeling is terrifying.
Throughout the entire holiday season, I will only be with my whole family for about four full days: the day before Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for those four days to see my family who has stood by me during such a rough year, but my rough year is not over. I wish nothing more than to be with them for longer because their presence is so healing for me. It is so refreshing to sit at a dinner table with a group of people who do not judge you. For them, I do not have to put on a mask. I am just myself, and they love me for it.
Even sitting here writing this now, I am home alone. My younger brother is at school, my older siblings are in Colorado, and my parents are working. I am left only with my dog by my side in a town that I did not grow up in, around people who I hardly know. The silence is so sickening that I am constantly playing different TV shows to mask it. Everything is changing and it is so scary. The holidays don’t feel like the holidays anymore. For me, the cheer is not there because my anchors are not here to spread it with me.
All of that is to say that so many of us are undergoing periods of change and things will probably never be the same as they were, and that is okay. It is okay to mourn the innocence and joy of your childhood. It is okay to mourn the presence of your loved ones during a time when they have always been around. It is okay to no longer love this time of the year because it saddens you. None of this makes you a Grinch. It makes you a human being, with human emotions, and that in itself is beautiful. I will end with this: cherish every moment you have with the people you love in your life during this time, even if it is not limited. I know I certainly will.