AND LEARNING TO EMBRACE THE JOURNEY
Growing up, ballet was a big part of my life. I danced every weekday, weekend and summer break for as long as I can remember, and I could not imagine my life without it. The idea of going to college and not dancing as much or at all felt like a dark cloud following me everywhere I went during my senior year of high school. I knew I wanted to pursue a degree and have a normal college experience, but the idea of ballet not being a part of my life in the same way terrified me. I tried to find ways to dance in college, but ultimately, maintaining a rigorous class load and dedicating 20 hours each week to ballet was not sustainable. I also knew somewhere deep down that it was time to move on.
When it was time to go to college, I felt pretty burnt out from ballet. I still loved it, but after putting every ounce of my heart and soul into it for so many years, my brain and body felt like they needed a break. So, when I got to UW Madison, I didn’t dance at all. For the first few months, it was great. I had so much more time to focus on school, my friends and myself. I was not used to this amount of free time and I loved it. However, when winter break came around, I started to miss it. But at the same time, I realized that even if I did start taking classes again after five months off, I would be nowhere near the level I used to be. And rather than being brave and going back to the studio, I avoided ballet like the plague. I didn’t watch my recommended Instagram reels, didn’t pay much attention to what was going on at my home studio and pretty much just pretended ballet didn’t exist at all. Thinking about it was too hard. My entire childhood was dedicated to ballet and I felt like I threw it away completely.
This mindset continued through my second semester but became much more difficult to maintain when I came home for the summer. I wanted to go visit my studio and see everyone, and that was hard to do while pretending ballet didn’t exist. I eventually decided to pull the trigger and go. I missed my friends and teachers, and I love my studio so much that it felt wrong not to visit. It took a while for me to decide to go, but when I did, not only did I visit, I took a class. I was very nervous and unsure, because I was worried that everyone would look at me after not dancing for almost a year. Also, I am known to put a lot of pressure on myself when I dance, and I knew for sure that I would not meet the expectations I set for myself. However, the bottom line was that I missed ballet, and if I was going to take a class anywhere, it would be at my home studio.
Of course, I was out of shape and my technique was not as strong, but the feeling I used to get every time I danced was still there. I detached myself from ballet so much that I forgot how it felt. I kept taking classes throughout the summer, and even though it wasn’t the same as it used to be, I started to see that rather than it being a terrible and scary thing, it was an opportunity to find a new way to love ballet. After taking classes all summer, I decided to take a leap and sign up for a ballet class at the university. I was very unsure and had many doubts, but it turned out to be the best decision I could have made.
My professor is one of the sweetest and most encouraging people I have ever met, and I found a community of students in the same exact situation as me. Taking a class in this safe space is really encouraging me to learn to do ballet solely because I love it without putting pressure on myself and setting impossible expectations. Changing my attitude towards something that has been a part of my life for so long is a process, but I am so glad I took the first step. I do still often feel guilty that I threw away years of giving everything I had to ballet, but I’m slowly seeing that that’s not entirely true. No amount of time off can take away the feeling I get when I dance. I know that my relationship with ballet before was beautiful and that I will probably always miss it in one way or another. And I know that I am forever grateful for it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t build a new type of relationship. Learning to do ballet solely for the love of it allows me to prioritize school, which I am also very passionate about and enjoy, while having ballet in my life as a safe haven that gives me an opportunity to slow down, take a break and do something for myself. I am starting to understand that it’s possible to dance without pressure.
So, if you are in the same situation as me with anything that you love or used to love, I encourage you to be brave. Rekindling your relationship with something that brings back a lot of emotions can be hard, but pretending like it doesn’t exist is definitely not going to help you. I know it can be scary, but I am here to tell you to go for it. It’s so worth it, I promise.