ThE Change we’ve been seeing
When Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique in 1963, she definitely didn’t see “Trad Wives” coming and the modern phenomenon of college-aged girls seeking to get married before they graduated. It would likely put her into a coma. While many critiqued the book for a lack of intersectional perspectives, Friedan’s book offered insight into the psyche of a woman at the time, a highly educated, high class and white woman—but a woman nonetheless. She criticized the societal norms which orchestrated the “right” way to be a woman: go to college and get a degree—but more importantly, get a husband and settle down. This was based on the belief that raising a family is the real way for a woman to find joy. Let me be clear, this essay is not arguing that those who choose to live a traditional family life are unfulfilled. Instead, it works to question society’s influence on deciding which women’s achievements are acceptable. Since the 1960’s, women have had to dot the line of living for themselves while combating the everchanging view of what it means to be successful, feminine and happy.
One striking detail that holds true for both the women of the 60’s and women now is the raucous force of consumerism that plagues our lives. In the 60’s, they had cars and televisions, took vacations and aimed to send their children to college. Today, we quarantine, consume fast fashion and are constantly engaged with an ever-connecting force of media that spreads polarizing and often unrealistic messages of what it means to be a woman. This massive escalation in the consumer engine resulted in mass social media and in turn, a polarizing effect on the views of a woman’s role in society. While women are achieving degrees at higher rates than men, advocacy for shared partnership gains traction and sexual assault victims are more supported in the public sphere. Friedan would be shocked to know which parts of her book are still present in our society today.
For example, across the nation many women still pursue marriage before degree. The concept of “ring by spring” in which college students—primarily women–search for their partners with an often intense amount of ambition, is a direct continuation of what made Freidan furious with women in the 60’s. She felt that college aged women who followed this trend were, “programmed to regard getting an MRS degree as the be-all and end-all of their experience in higher education.” The modern concept of “ring by spring” is tied to religion, notably connected to christian colleges like Baylor and BYU, whereby seniors feel pressured to get engaged to their college sweetheart before graduation. Many critics see the practice as moored by systemic religious and patriarchal pressures, leading to women feeling forced to find a partner in their early 20’s before their brains are even fully developed. As well, social media has seen a surge of women who post videos of their lives as “Trad Wives,” women who act as homemakers who post practices of cooking, cleaning and caring for children while their husbands bring home financial support. This lifestyle trend, promoted by creators like Nara Smith and Hannah Neeleman (Ballerina Farm), holds many complexities. They are not simply stay at home mothers, with many drawing attention to the fact that to live such an extravagant lifestyle, one must have substantial financial means. As well, the very concept that Trad Wives are supported financially by their husband alone is called into question by the fact that many work through social media, gaining social and monetary support. Many criticize their promotion of traditional values as a backslide in the fight for feminism, calling attention to the fact that to be a Trad Wive you must be rich first and overly feminine second. Others criticize the fact that by becoming homemakers women must “give up” their own independent goals, citing the fact that creator Hannah Neeleman, or “Ballerina Farm” was a classically trained ballet dancer who no longer seems to practice her craft.
“Trad Wives” and “ring by spring” seekers raise questions about what it means to be a successful woman. In the eyes of Betty Friedan, these women would be “unfulfilled and unhappy, and children would suffer at the hands of neurotic mothers.” I remain unconvinced. While I have no intention to live as a homemaker and claim I am only supported by my husband, nor am I currently pursuing a “ring by spring”, I believe that educational and family values are incredibly important. More simply, I stand by the metric that people should be able to do whatever they want, as long as these practices do not hurt or infringe on the rights of others. Doesn’t the push back against “Trad Wives” or “ring by spring” pursuers limit the faith we have in women? Arguing that they are not able to make their own decisions in terms of lifestyle choice? If the point of feminism is to give women the freedom to have autonomy and the fundamental right to choose, how can we criticize the choice that they willfully make?