Every Democratic Candidate Summed Up in 50 Words or Less

If you don’t know who half these people are, that’s ok, because I do and I’ll sum them up. No strings attached baby ;)

 

Andrew Yang 

 

Andy! My man! Yang Gang for life! AI will steal our jobs. Bing? I don’t know her. Here’s $1,000. UBI. 

 

Elizabeth Warren

She has a plan for that. Time for a big economic change. That’s the hill we’re gonna thrive on.

 

Tom Steyer

Billionaire. Started NextGen. Wants Tr*mp impeached - like, really badly. 

 

Joe Sestak

Former navy admiral. Like ok Johnny, go off. Also, climate change SUCKS.

 

Bernie Sanders

We all know this man’s deal and that he’s great, but are we really going to ignore the fact that he’s damn near 80? Not going to lie, he’s  polling though. 

 

8. Wayne MessamFormer football player. First black mayor of Miramar, Florida. Wants to cancel student debt. Well done, buddy-o. 

 

9. Amy Klobuchar

“aS a MoThEr-.” CAME for Brett Kavanaugh. She’s from mini-soda, eh? Promises to win swing states. Opioids? Not on her watch! >:(

 

Kamala Harris

Trying to sound like your drunk wine aunt in hopes you forget that time she was a prosecutor and the ensuing history that naturally ensues.

 

Tulsi GabbardFrom Hawaii, baby. Problematic past. Hates war but met al-Assad. Veteran. Major in National Guard. Former DNC Vice Chair. Endorsed Bernie in 2016. First Samoan-American in congress. 

 

John Delaney

Businessman, congressman from Maryland. Been running since 2017 (shouldn’t his legs hurt by now?) and literally gave up his seat in congress for that, so you know he’s serious. 

 

Julian Castro

Clout rising during Obama. Fell off. Who wants universal kindergarten? HUD. 

 

Pete ButtigiegIntersectional Reaganomics. Class oppression but woke. Pronounced Booty Judge. Veteran.

 

Steve Bullock

Governor of Montana. Wait. Montana has people? And a government?? Actually very cool, wants an assault weapons ban even though he’s from Montana, where the state sport is probably nerfing deer. Can get Republicans to support him. 

 

Cory BookerDid he mention he’s vegan? Loves criminal justice reform. Peace, Love and Positivity. Nice eyes. Literal Egghead. 

 

Joe Biden

Take a shot every time he name drops Obama or mentions his time as vice president, hoping you forget his long and sketchy past. You’ll be more drunk than an OSU senior. Also, he’s old. 

 

Michael Bennet

State Senator from Colorado. Loves compromise. Passed bipartisan bill on immigration reform. Gives off the energy of that girl from Mean Girls who had a lot of feelings. 

 

There. Now you know who all these people are. If this article influences your vote, then I don’t think you should be allowed to vote.