Golden lessons from 21 years of growing into who I am today
I think about my middle school and even high school self often. Maybe a little too often depending on who you ask. She was incredibly smart, energetic and kind, but her insecurity and fear would constantly overshadow these strengths and cause her to struggle in finding who she truly was. Given a lineup of vaguely Ella-shaped college students, I don’t think she would have been able to imagine that I would be the person she’d turn into. As I approach my golden 22nd birthday, my head is held higher than hers, I speak more freely than she’d dream of and I don’t put too much stock into others’ opinions of me. Over the past few years, I have grown into myself and I’ve started to become the person I want to present to the world. It hasn’t come easy, but if I could go back in time and give myself a little advice and a whole bunch of grace, this is what I would tell her.
1. Perfection is the enemy of satisfaction, so you can loosen that ponytail just a smidge.
It’s so tempting to be flawless in every facet of your life. Straight A’s, Varsity hockey, clubs, volunteering, jobs, college applications, on and on. This seems like what everybody has to do in high school, but you don’t have to run everyone else’s race in real life. As you move on, there will be some things that have to give and that’s okay. The best you can do is your best and that’s all that’s required of you. You won’t always be what you consider to be “perfect” and that’s still plenty good.
2. Forget about the expensive shoes, people will only remember the way you make them feel.
As materialistic as people seem, nobody actually cares all that much about whether you have the nicest laptop or the swankiest car. When all is said and done, the thing that’s gonna stick with people the most is how being around you changed their mood. By far the coolest thing you can be is kind.
3. Hang out with your parents more! It’s good for you.
You don’t realize it yet, but your parents are incredibly cool and you’re the luckiest girl in the world to have friends like them. Go listen to music in the garage with your dad and read a book on the patio with your mom. You’ll realize there’s nobody you’d rather be than their daughter.
4. Get a whole lot louder and take up all the space you need.
You don’t need to stay in your own lane, you don’t need to stay in your hometown (or even your home country) and you certainly don’t need to restrain your personality or who you are. If you’ll expand and evolve into a better person by moving and entering new spaces, then that’s all the justification you need to do just that. Speaking up for yourself and taking what you need might be scary, but do it scared.
5. External validation is for the birds, the only approval you really need is your own.
It’s incredibly encouraging and validating to have your teachers or brother or parents or best friends give you words of affirmation and recognition for your accomplishments, but stop living for what your people think of you. Find the motivation within yourself, and do the seemingly impossible things because you know you can and because you’ll make yourself proud.
Growing pains are real, and this struggle is far from a unique experience. Nobody’s got it figured out, and everybody has times when they feel like they’re the only one muddling through. To my knowledge, no cure-all exists for this ailment, but is that something we’d really want? Change is one of the best parts of life! After all, who is anybody without trial, error and evolution? Now this list of advice for that evolution holds some daunting tasks, so just make it simple: be kind and confident first. Everything else will follow.