The best time of the year has finally arrived! Turkey and sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie galore, cozy sweaters, peppermint goodies and some relaxation. Christmas: a time to be grateful for your family, your friends, but most of all the mountain of food you’re about to stack on your plate. After we gorge ourselves over Thanksgiving, many forget that we have another round of feasting up ahead. So keep up your appetite, unbutton your pants, and get ready for food you certainly won’t forget. Along with all the magical moments of Christmas, there are some things we all must prepare ourselves for when it comes to gathering around the table for one of the greatest eat-a-thons of the year:
Stage 1: Preparation
Mom is in the kitchen, and some glorious smells are filling the house. You get ready in your room, excited to see the family. You question wearing leggings, or perhaps even sweatpants, but no, you go with jeans because you have to make a good impression this year. It’s a new year, new you, so jeans it is.
Stage 2: Greetings
The doorbell is nonstop as relatives fill the house, and you are summoned downstairs. By now you have calculated that you must turn your head so all those gross, sloppy, wet kisses from your great aunt are safely planted on your cheek far, far away from your lips. Successfully dodging repulsive, incestuous on-the-lips kisses, you sigh with relief. The night is still young, and food is on the horizon.
Stage 3: Waiting
This is the hardest part. Smells are wafting from all directions, your eyes are going cross, your body is becoming limp as you imagine yourself taking your first bite of this glorious meal. In your head you calculate what you’re going to eat first, how you’re going to get to the front of the line so you a) get the most food and b) are the first in line for seconds. Everyone around you is deep in conversation and Christmas cheer, but you’ve got your eye on the prize. Watching the clock ticking down the seconds is painful.
Stage 4: At the Table
Finally you are in your seat, fork and knife in hand. You’ve survived the worst and are ready to dig in when, suddenly… your memory kicks in and you begin to get dizzy. How could you forget Grandma’s Christmas ritual? You wait impatiently, but politely, listening as she engages in what is possibly the longest prayer known to man (or God). In your head you’re freaking out. What is that obnoxious sound? Can everyone else hear that? Your stomach is screaming for food and it is so close you can taste it.
Stage 5: Dinner
You’ve never been more ashamed of yourself as you find your plate bare in a matter of seconds. You reach for seconds, for thirds, for fourths. Your stomach is an endless pit, a black hole, and you are invincible. Juicy turkey (or Christmas ham), smooth mashed potatoes, a warm roll with butter, sweet, sweet cranberry sauce, and of course sweet potatoes that melt in your mouth. You’ve reached nirvana or heaven or something and you never want to leave. You smile at your mom, mouth full, silently thanking her for being a god. Everything is perfect, there is peace on earth, no global warming, and you peaked during this meal.
Stage 6: Table Talk
As plates become empty, the dreaded conversations of the night begin. “So, are you doing well in school?” … “Uhh…yeah I’m doing alright.” “So, do you know what you want to major in?”… “No, not really.” “So, do you know what you want to do with your life?” … “No.” “So, do you have a boyfriend now? “For the love of God, NO!”
Stage 7: The Coma
You feel your arteries clogging, you think you’re going into cardiac arrest, your having hot flashes, and why oh why did you think it was going to be okay to wear JEANS?! As you tell yourself to take deep breaths, you diagnose yourself with a food coma. You tell yourself it’s okay—you’ve been here before, and you’ll make it out alive, but the future doesn’t seem promising.
Stage 8: Dessert
Pies and plates of cookies are out, and you’re back and better than ever. You do some quick stretches preparing yourself for what’s about to come. It’s crunch time! (Not actual crunches though, because if you tried to do those your pants would split.) Pumpkin, pecan, and apple pie—which do you go for? OBVIOUSLY a little of all three! You couldn’t be more proud of the mountain on your plate when all of a sudden…
Stage 9: The Relapse
It’s happening again. Everything goes black for a second, and your organs feel like they’re failing. You’ve given up on the jeans at this point and pop that button open. Feeling like a new woman, you try to take one last bite of pie.
Stage 10: The End
As you say goodbye to relatives, you realize what a great night it’s been. Friends, family, and the best food you’ve ever eaten. You realize you are in fact grateful for those sloppy wet kisses, painful interrogations at the dinner table, and you are very grateful to have spent the holiday with the people you love. Sighing, you remember that tomorrow you go back to reality, and the treadmill doesn’t know what its in for. As you watch your mom put the leftovers away, you smile, and whisper to the pie that you’ll be seeing her soon.
Enjoy every bite and every moment spent with family and friends. And PSA: DO NOT WEAR JEANS.