Oh boy… this is gonna be a good one.
Being in a relationship is fun. Dating should be a fun experience that everyone goes through. Go out, meet people, have some fun, and if you like the person, then pursue a relationship. That’s the standard model for how dating works. In a perfect world, everyone would be happy and in love and we wouldn’t have to worry about the flaws in others. I would love that, but unfortunately it’s not always like that. In honor of the Valentine’s season, I think it’s time we talk about red flags.
Usually red is the color of love, however, in this case, a red flag is never a good thing. A red flag is a signal that means “tread lightly, there could be danger ahead.” Everyone has red flags, though in a relationship, you should be able to identify red flags of yourself and your partner and figure things out accordingly. We all love talking about having standards and raising the bar when it comes to dating, but when you’re falling for a person, it can be pretty easy to ignore red flags and dismiss behavior that shouldn’t be allowed. So today, I’m going to talk about the red flags I have seen in my previous relationships that I chose to ignore.
- I call this first one the 90 day free trial. Oh yeah, the red flags can pop up before the relationship even starts. We’ve all been there, the dreaded talking stage. The “will they, won’t they” of it all. Don’t get me wrong, the talking stage is important, but there is always a line that needs to be drawn. Commitment is one of the most important things in a relationship, and when there is no commitment, there is no relationship. Relationships work when the two partners have a mutual understanding of what the other is looking for. So, if they tell you from the beginning that they weren’t looking for anything serious, then they probably will not pursue anything serious later on. I can’t speak for men, but I have noticed that men can be stubborn. If you think you’ll be able to change his mind about the aspect of commitment, then go for it, but thinking you can change someone means you have to be okay if they’re not willing to change. You are not a Netflix subscription, meaning your partner shouldn’t feel like they need a test-run before committing. The talking stage is important, but when you start doing girlfriend type things for a guy you can’t call your boyfriend, then that’s a problem.
2. The way your partner speaks to you is also a big indicator of the way the relationship will go. Now I know that one seems obvious, but I’m not talking about being rude or cruel. I’m talking about how you two can flow in a conversation. If the conversation seems one sided, or if your only contributions are less than two words, then that’s a problem. I’ve been in a relationship where it seemed like I could never get two words out. It felt like I was a girlfriend, but I wasn’t in a relationship. Pay attention to how much your partner asks about your life. Pay attention to when they ask about your day or how often the conversation falls on you. If it seems like they’re the one talking most of the time, it could be a red flag.
3. The way they treat their parents. I’ve always been told that you will learn a lot about a man by the way he treats his mom. Not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, and there are some special circumstances to this one. But, definitely pay attention to the way he talks and acts around his mother. A good man treats his mom with respect. Think about it this way, his mom is the first woman he learned how to act around. It sets the tone for how he views and treats women. If he cusses at his mom and doesn’t give her basic decency, then how is he going to treat another woman that could enter his life.
4. Relationships are not free therapy sessions, so make sure you don’t get treated like a therapist. Being a good listener is great. If you have advice to give, then that’s great too. What isn’t great is when you are given the title of girlfriend, but only get a call when he needs a therapist. I told myself that it was what people in relationships do; you’re there in good times and in bad times and if you’re not then you’re a bad girlfriend. However, looking back I saw that constantly being a therapist for my partner lead to a decline in my own mental health. I’m not saying that when they have a bad day you tell them to go to therapy, it just means that it’s not okay for them to trauma dump with nothing in return. Women are caring to a fault; our hearts are so big that sometimes we can’t help but constantly be the one that our partners run to for help. You need to know your boundaries and a relationship is one of the most important places for boundaries to be set. If that line is crossed, then there has to be a problem.
5. Finally, if you can’t tell that one person that something is wrong. My mom knows everything that goes on in my life and I can tell her all my dating drama. She knows me better than most people do. We all have that one person that makes life so much easier; a person that will stand by you no matter what happens. It’s a person that can tell just by looking at you that something is wrong. So, if something happens in your relationship and you feel you can’t tell that person, then maybe it’s time to take a step back. I have been afraid to tell my mom some stuff because I knew she would say “You’re better off without them.” Once she thinks that, there is no changing her mind. The thing about this, people in relationships can see things much clearer than people who are blinded by love. They see past the face and into the actions in a way that people in that relationship can’t. I use to think I didn’t need to tell my mom some stuff because I knew they would never get back on her good side. Looking back, I should’ve known that was my first sign.
Well there you have it, a bunch of red flags I have made it through. Remember I am not a relationship therapist, and I am not here to tell you to dump your boyfriend. I am simply trying to show you what I overlooked and could’ve avoided. Enjoy the rest of cuffing season! Happy Valentine’s day!