Picture this: You go to a restaurant that has what seems like an endless menu. There are pages upon pages of food options- pastas, burgers, wings, sandwiches, salads, pizzas, even dessert. How are you ever supposed to decide on what you want to eat when everything sounds good? Everyone else has already ordered, and now you are in a rush to choose just one item from the menu. Are you really satisfied with what you chose? The rest of the night is spent looking at other people’s plates, regretting your own dinner, and wondering if you just had more time to review the entire menu, would you have been happier.
The feeling of being overwhelmed by the amount of choices in front of you is not limited to ordering off of a menu. Modern dating culture, specifically online dating through apps like Instagram, Tinder, and Bumble, are designed to leave us wondering whether we have really chosen the ‘perfect one’. When the whole world is at our fingertips, how do we know that, just another swipe or dm away, there isn’t something better or someone more suited for us? While variety can be a good thing, too many options in the dating realm can be distracting, discouraging, and downright exhausting.
the online illusion
The idea that you have to find ‘the best’ is detrimental to the process of building a genuine connection. In an attempt to meet as many people as possible, the same conversations keep happening, making them meaningless when they don’t lead to anything. Information and characteristics are no longer unique to one person, and you can’t remember who you are texting when the conversation is the same in every chat. It will usually start with a cheesy pick up line, followed by “what’s up?”, “lol same”, and “what’s your snap?”. It becomes impossible to judge compatibility when all you know is where someone goes to school and what their Tinder anthem is. However, everyone is trying to juggle these conversations, meaning that you can also become one of the masses in other people’s dms. When you realize that you are losing their attention to another match, it is easier to seek simple attention and validation from them rather than a deep conversation.
Don’t fret, though; it is not your fault that these dating apps are designed for attraction solely based on appearance and aesthetics. The main focus of the profiles are the pictures. Some don’t even bother putting a bio or caption, meaning that their matches are solely based on their looks or the aesthetic they give off. Even if their profile is detailed, the online presentation is just a facade. Social media is where people can put their best face forward. When you meet that same person in real life, they may not match the perfect image they have presented online. Suddenly, all of their small flaws become more noticeable, and you are unable to move past them. Trying to be ‘the best’ that someone else is looking for is exhausting, and it makes it harder to truly open up to that person in fear of being compared to someone else.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea”
The idea that there is always someone better out there is only enhanced through online dating. Connection with other people has never been so accessible; you are able to talk to anyone across the world (as long as they also have internet connection) in one single app. Rather than accepting someone for their flaws or putting in the effort to meet again, it is so much easier to just open an app and swipe, hoping to find something better. As the saying goes, “there are plenty of fish in the sea”, indicating that you shouldn’t rush to commit to someone because you could be missing out. This mentality not only prevents relationships from being the end goal of online dating, but it also negatively impacts already existing relationships. When a couple is no longer in the honeymoon phase, the flaws and differences become more noticeable. Little fights turn into big arguments. Thoughts of whether the relationship would be easier with someone else start to intrude, and you don’t even have to worry about whether you’ll be able to meet other people because all you have to do is download an app. Which is easier- powering through the tough times or hoping that you’ll find that ‘perfect one’ elsewhere?
But here’s the thing…
No one is perfect, even if their social media appears that way. And you can’t find your soulmate if you never stop looking for one.
Online dating allows you to meet all kinds of people- those who you would never be able to meet in the first place. But it also creates a never ending search for the perfect match because you can see, on your phone, all of the people you would be missing out on. Why does that have to be a bad thing though? Why can’t we put more effort and time into nurturing the relationships that have potential instead of constantly searching for new ones? Maybe then the minor flaws would not become big dealbreakers, because you know that you have them too. Maybe you would be more satisfied with your choice and not overwhelmed by all of the options, because you know that working hard for love does not always mean that it is not possible. Dating online is the new standard, but feeling pressured to be and find ‘the best’, and having feelings of failure and disappointment when that doesn’t happen, doesn’t have to be.