The rumors are true, ladies!
Before last night, I had never seen ABC’S hit reality show “The Bachelor”. Centered around finding a wife for one attractive and available guy (hence the name) The Bachelor is practically a staple in living rooms around America, as tons of people tune in every Monday night to watch the nonsense unfold.
Put quite simply, “The Bachelor” is a wild ride, and before tonight, I had never actually seen it — however, watching my Twitter TL practically explode every week with barely decipherable Tweets was just too tempting, and with Facebook headlines about a girl in a dolphin suit circulating, I decided that Monday, January 16th was the day I would finally witness the drama firsthand. So I settled in with my suitemates and my pal Téa (a fellow HC writer) to take some notes and observe just what was making the Internet explode.
The episode started out with a shocker (at least to me) — as my notes so eloquently say, “someone knew the bachelor from before The Bachelor????”
I mean, I don’t know for sure, but that kind of seems wack to me. After a brief recess (read: me yelling about Mr. Bachelor’s floral tie,) I tuned back in to what appeared to be some kind of meeting? Everyone looked spiffy and Mr. Bachelor (at this point, I was informed that he has a name, and that name is Nick,) announced that he knew some chick named Liz before this season, AND he slept with her.
An actual quote from my notes: “He was ‘surprised to see her on the show.’ That sounds fake but okay.” Some painfully awful dialogue ensued, including a weird comment about the quality of the women on the show that had me squinting. Also, the first (but certainly not the last) mention of something called the Fantasy Suite, the purpose of which was later explained to me in great detail by my friends.
And then, a moment that will probably be forever seared into my memory: my first encounter with Corinne. Twitter had informed me that she was, indeed ‘the worst’ but I just. I wasn’t ready for what happened next.
In case you were blessed enough to miss it, Corinne showed up wearing a trench coat (sans anything under it) and holding a can of whipped cream.
I’ll just insert some of my notes here:
WHIPPED CREAM IN THE MOUTH SOS SOS SOS
Corinne is so weird
Corinne reads Cosmo like how else would you think to
I can’t live on this planet anymore
Someone who I could identify only as ‘Miss Orange Dress’ was not happy about Nick and Corinne’s sticky shenanigans, and she was, according to my notes, “savaaaaageeeee”. Then there was the rose ceremony, which I knew of only in name and it did not disappoint. Footage of the actual ceremony intercut with film of the girls revealing their inner feelings and shots of Corinne in bed with her rose had me like:
Cue the dramatic music…
…and the rehoming of THE rose to Astrid…then cue my realization that there is more than one rose and everyone who gets a rose gets to stay.
After the iconic “Move, bitches,” the final rose was given to none other than Jasmine (aka Miss Orange Dress!!) who was, needless to say, very relieved. After a commercial break, it was time for a date involving everyone + THE BACKSTREET BOYS. Everything was right with the world and I had no pain.
The whole gang met up at a studio and after some emotional ‘reunions’ (didn’t they see each other like…yesterday?) they dived into learning a dance routine (which Corinne sat out for reasons I didn’t catch because we were all roasting Nick for his habit of repeating the same concept in different words, which is very strange and also very weird.)
The next 10 minutes were basically just me screaming about The Backstreet Boys, and then a weirdly self-aware comment from a teary-eyed Corinne about trying too hard to be yourself. This date culminated in a serenade for a girl whose name I missed, because, again: everyone was screaming and singing along. Some more excerpts from my notes:
OMG, A SERENADE
Corinne is still sad (surprise, surprise)
slow dancing whi
KISSING ON STAGE
this is painfully awkward
Corinne wants the sweet release of death
Moving on. After a weird half-apology from everyone’s favorite whipped cream afficinado and a soaring overview of the huge house, the whole group reunites and gets to hear who is invited to a one-on-date by way of a thinly veiled hint — “You make me feel like I’m floating.” Me, muttering under my breath: “This cannot be good.”
At this point, I was informed that Corinne is 24 years old and has a nanny…
…so pause and imagine my existential crisis.
Now on to the actual date — yay, zero gravity! After some adorable space-like kissing and cuddling, things took a turn for the worse when Nick’s date started feeling a little…odd.
Notes:
aw, sans-gravity kissing
oh no shes nauseous
I’m horrified
ooop there it is
He’s being so good about it though like this is weirdly sweet??
I feel SO bad for her
Nick the Nurse, amirite
I felt bad for her, but not THAT bad — I mean, Nick was being super mature and caring about it! And then he KISSED HER AFTER SHE VOMITED, and I felt my soul LEAVING MY BODY. Stuff — er, puke happens, but putting your mouth on someone else’s mouth crosses the line.
TBH we were all shaken by previous events, so the details of this next date were kind of fuzzy, but here’s what I know: it was in a gorgeous rooftop setting, and the words “I don’t want to pry into previous relationships, BUT…” were uttered. Amazing.
As we moved onto the track, I related most deeply to the struggle of the girl whose sports bra was not doing what a sports bra should. The struggle is so real, y’all. After a comical finish (notes: “SHE MISSED IT” and “the ring is a metaphor for my soul while watching this”) we were back to various emotional drama. I paused for a cereal break. When I came back, someone was very upset and talking about needing validation and assurance, which apparenly she didn’t get, because the next thing I knew, she was getting into a limo.
At this point, my pal coined a phrase to describe this train wreck in the making:
“It’s the Hunger Games of love. The Thirst Games!”
As soon as the words “pool party” were announced, my spirits began to sink — this could not be good. My suspicions were confirmed as we cut to shots of Corinne getting ready with one really nice pallette — to each her own, but something told me she wasn’t about to get in the pool. And again, my worst fears were correct!
Another note excerpt: “Of all the places to make out. A bouncy house. I give up.” As wack as it was, of course not all of the ‘blame’ (for lack of a better word) is on Corinne — Nick is an adult. An adult who chose to abandon his guests/potential spouses by the pool to make out with Corinne in a bouncy house, because THAT’S totally cool. When that nonsense wrapped up, some cool chick whose name I missed literally went to Nick and told him about the nanny.
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
After basically being told to DTR with all of these girls, Nick should take heed and get serious, but honestly? I won’t be sticking around to find out. “The Bachelor” was hilarious and honestly a lot better than I had expected, but if I ever decide to watch again, it will be at the beginnning of a season, phone in hand to update Twitter in real time.
After a disappointing lack of dolphin suits and way too much semi-public making out while angry girls look on, I’m glad I finally watched “The Bachelor” and got to see what everyone is always freaking out about! Because this show is wack and it deserves all of the crazy social media coverage it gets.
For those souls much braver than I: The Bachelor comes on ABC, Mondays at 8pm!