Her Story: Why I'm *Not* Jealous of My Ex's New Girlfriend

I recently became single, and it’s been hard. I mean, after three years together, my boyfriend was my best friend. He was the person I went to for advice, the person I talked with about my day, the person who I went to for encouragement and the person I trusted with my heart. I never expected him to find someone else. We had even been talking about the two of us getting engaged--and then out of nowhere, I wasn’t good enough anymore. He had found someone else who was good enough for him…but it wasn’t me. And that hurt...a lot. For a few days, I thought I couldn’t go on without him. I didn’t know what to do.  However, over the past few months, I have realized a few things that I want to share.

She is beautiful, but so am I

I wanted to puke when I looked in the mirror, because the only thing I saw was someone who wasn’t good enough. The girl he chose over me is beautiful. She’s got beautiful, long, brown hair. She’s got beautiful, brown eyes just like his. She’s tall and thin and she’s edgy and cool. She has tattoos and a nose ring. She wears band tee shirts and ripped skinny jeans and vans. She’s all the things that I’m not.

I’m short and I have to watch what I eat. I have thin, blonde hair and I’m not edgy at all. I wear pearls and preppy clothes every day. She is so different from me, and for a while I thought that different meant better.

But I have realized that different does not mean better, and I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of my ex’s new girlfriend. No, I am not her. No, I’m not edgy like her, but he likes edgy. No, I don’t have long, brown hair or brown eyes like hers, but he likes brown eyes and brown hair. No, I’m not her. But, she’s not me.

I had to realize that even though she’s beautiful, that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. She is cool and edgy, but that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with the way I dress. Different does not equal better or prettier. I am beautiful, and some day, I will find someone who sees that. I don’t look like her, but some day, I will find someone who will never want to change me.

I had him first

She wasn’t the person that helped him discover what it’s like to laugh until he cried, because I was. She wasn’t the person that encouraged him when he was overcome with anxiety and depression--I was. She wasn’t the person that was by his side when his niece was born...I was. She wasn’t the person that his mom and dad told him to marry because they loved her so much; that was me. She wasn’t the person that helped him choose a career path because I did. She wasn’t the person who prayed with him about college, his career, or his family like I did. And when he drives her in his car, it will be in the spot that I sat in for three years.

When he takes her home to meet his family, she will sit in my spot at his dining room table. Yes, she can put a smile on his face. Yes, she can sing with him in the car. Yes, she can encourage him, and maybe his parents will love her. Maybe he will even say those three words to her that he once said to me--but she won’t be the first.

I was the one he said those words to for the very first time. I was his first love, the one that taught him how to treat a girl. So, if he is good to her, she will have me to thank. Maybe he will look back and realize that he was wrong—it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough; it was that he needed to love me first to learn how to love her.

I don’t have to deal with him anymore

He was a great guy and I loved him. He had some great qualities, but nobody is perfect, so along with his good qualities came some bad ones. While we were dating, I overlooked these things because I just focused on how I loved him. But I’ll be honest—I’m not jealous of her, because I’m no longer the one that has to deal with him and his imperfections.

I no longer have to be subjected to his “More Hipster Than Thou” lecture because I hadn’t heard of some restaurant or some indie band, and was therefore deemed “mainstream.” I no longer have to deal with his double standards or his controlling nature. I no longer have to deal with his anger that I have male friends, but his insistence that it was okay for him to have female friends. I no longer have to have to apologize to my mom so she wouldn’t be offended by his picky-eating. I no longer have to have to say “no” to a girls’ night just to spend a night arguing with him because he felt guilty for keeping me from my friends. I no longer have to apologize fifty times so that he would finally forgive me, but be expected to forgive him immediately.

No, he’s not a terrible person--I loved him. But, I am definitely not jealous of her because I am now free from Mr. Double-Standards Ego McHipster. I thought for a while that maybe he would realize that he wanted me and he would leave her to get me back, but I have since realized that I do not want to be with him and so I genuinely hope the two of them are happy...and hipster...together.

I deserve better

He thought I wasn’t good enough, but he said she was. And at first, I believed him. I honestly thought that I wasn’t good enough, and that I needed to be more like her. But I have since realized that I deserve so much better.

I deserve someone who thinks that there is no one better for him than me. I deserve someone who appreciates me for me, and doesn’t try to make me into someone “cooler.” I deserve someone better for me than my ex. So, "it’s not that I am not good enough" for my ex, but maybe we just weren’t good for one another. His new girlfriend isn’t "better than me", but maybe she is better for him than I was. And until I find the right guy, I will love myself. And that is much better than loving someone who doesn't think I am good enough.

I do not need to be jealous of my ex’s new girlfriend. She is beautiful, but so am I. He wants her, not me, but I had lots of good times with him. And maybe he will be thankful for me one day. But I'm happy I do not have to deal with his temper or his double standards anymore, and someday I will find someone whose faults I won’t mind, and someone who won’t mind mine.

I have realized that I deserve so much better than someone who thinks I’m not good enough. And from now on, I will not be jealous of my ex’s new girlfriend. I will be happy for them, and hope that it works out for them. He may want her, but she’s not me. So, I have no reason to be jealous.