You never think that you’ll be the one, who is sexually assaulted, and then you are, and sometimes, you just don’t know what to do.
My freshman year of college was adventurous, thrilling, but above all, life changing. Coming to college was one of the most exciting things that I would be experiencing; it was a fresh start, a new beginning. The start of college was a blast; I made a group of friends that I loved to be with. They made me laugh, they made me do crazy new things, and most of all, they were there for me. These friends introduced me to more friends and that’s how I met him.
When we were first introduced, I was not looking for anything. In fact, we hardly ever spoke. My friends were a lot closer to him than I was; I’d just tag along. I was hanging out with a couple of my girl friends, and one of them told me that this guy expressed having feelings for me. That threw me off completely because 1. We hardly spoke and 2. Me? Really? This little freshman was liked by an upperclassman? No way. We went back and forth as to whether or not I should go for it, and we eventually concluded that I should give it a try. Soon after, we’d all hang out at his house and my friends would all leave so that he and I could spend some time together, just the two of us. Before I knew it, I had strong feelings for him. I didn’t know why I was developing feelings so quickly but I was happy. I enjoyed spending time with him, he knew how to make me laugh and we’d sit and talk about anything and everything.
Then Halloween weekend came, and that’s when everything started to change. Freshman me was very naïve, and behaved like a typical college freshman partying on Halloween. We all went to his house to drink before the party, and before I knew it, I was wasted. I remember getting there, I remember having some drinks, and I remember taking shots, but after that, I don’t remember much. I don’t remember getting to this party, I don’t remember being there, and I don’t remember leaving. According to my friends, they put me in the car and dropped me off at his house so that I could go to bed. An innocent act on their behalf – or so I like to think. I can briefly remember waking up to people getting back home, and then I was unconscious again. The next thing I remember was waking up and going straight to the bathroom because I knew that I was going to be sick. I went back to bed and the next time I woke up, I woke up in complete confusion. When I woke up, I was only in my bra. The rest of my clothes had been removed completely. He wasn’t in bed with me. In fact, I didn’t know where he was at all. I reach over to grab my phone, and that’s when I saw the used condom tossed in the trashcan beside the bed. I sit there in silence as I try to process and remember everything that occurred the night before, but my memory fails me. He comes home, and I ask to be dropped off at my friends place. I tell my friends what happened, and they seem to be happy. They’re happy he and I took that next step and they tell me that maybe we’ll start dating soon. I look past the fact that I don’t remember us having sex and I can only think of what my friends tell me: maybe we’ll start dating soon. The thought of us dating made me happy. I kept pushing my doubts to the back of my mind because I really liked him. I thought he liked me too. Why spend time with me, and treat me well if he didn’t?
But now I know, that he didn’t treat me well. He couldn’t have liked me enough if he felt the need to take advantage of my blackout state.
It took me a while to realize that I was raped. I did not give consent. He did not receive any consent. I was extremely drunk, and even if I said yes, I was not in the right state of mind. If he liked me as much as he said he did, he would’ve waited until I was sober.
But he didn’t.
And I let myself think that what happened was okay because I wanted something more with him. I’ve come to learn that I deserve way better. And that I was a victim, and I should’ve spoken up about it then, but at least I am speaking up now. No one deserves to go through something like this, no matter who you are, no matter what your relationship is with someone, no matter if you are drunk or sober. I was raped. I live with this every day, but I no longer let it mess with my head. I no longer try to make up excuses as to why it happened. I no longer let it affect my mental health. I am stronger than this.
If you or anyone that you know has been sexually assaulted, please do not blame yourself. It is no one’s fault but the perpetrators. You did nothing wrong, and when you are ready to talk about what happened, someone will be there to listen. Someone will be there to remind you of your strength, of your worth. Someone will be there to show you that you are loved. For all the voices silenced by fear of the unknown, quieted by the recollection of what happened, for every single person scared of what people may say when you come forward, this is for you: know that we are more than what has happened to us, more than a short skirt, more than a drink too many, more than just an absence of a no. And know that, more than anything else, whether quiet or loud, your voice does not stand alone.
It’s never too late to speak up Collegiettes, your story should be heard.