Are you in college, need some help on how to be an independent female, and believe that internet articles are giving you advice to help solve some tough problems in your life? If so, this advice column is for you.
Just broke up with your boyfriend?
Option 1:
Don’t talk to guys ever again. (This is actually not hard to do at Winthrop). When you see one, run away. If one talks to you, glare and just run away.
Option 2:
Act jealous. That’s what he wants. It just means that you care. He wants to you come to his house – it doesn’t matter what time it is! 2 a.m. is the perfect time to sort out your relationship problems. Years from now, when you’re sitting at home, cradling your fifth child together, you’ll laugh about this together.
Tap his phone. It’s not always easy to get ahold of his friends, or his mother, or even his new “bae.” So, if you can’t find any other ways to keep tabs on your man, tap his phone.
Show up unexpectedly. Surprise him. You should know that he’s already got you on his mind 24/7. Don’t be afraid to show up just to see him at work, school, his house, his friends’ houses, and any other place he might be.
If he calls the police, it’s obviously another cry for attention. You need to be strong in this relationship. You may have to give him all of your time just to keep him happy.
Going on a blind date?
Wear a costume. We suggest a nun robe, a paper bag or potato sack, a dress from the 1800’s, army greens, or no clothes.
Don’t choose the average date place. If you want to be original, you should take your new beau somewhere that means absolutely nothing to you. Maybe a shooting range to show him that you can take care of yourself and warn him that you are capable of wielding a gun if he so much as tries to kiss you. A good way to end the night is a comfortable, romantic walk through a graveyard.
Hate your classes?
You don’t need to take notes. Sleep in class. Make jokes about the professor and laugh in the back of class the whole time. Or just don’t go to class. In fact, build a treehouse in the woods and live there for the rest of your life to make a political statement about how bad our education system has become.
Hate your roommate?
Every time she turns the thermostat up, turn it down and vice versa.
Have the lights off for hours as you take a nap in the afternoon and then, just when she wants to go to sleep at 12 p.m., turn them on and start blaring dance music because you want to get “turnt” before you head to the club.
At the precise moment that she sits down to write her research paper, turn on the TV and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for hours on end.
Need to end an argument quickly?
Use these phrases:
“I loathe you.”
“You’re ruining my life.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how much you’re wrong.”
“Why don’t you pull your lip over your head and swallow it?”
“Your face.”
“Your mom.”
Insulting is a good way to show that you’re teasing. But you should do it in such a way that it doesn’t sound like you’re joking. That way, they also know that you’re a good actor and you find them worthy enough to experience your skills.
Are you a socially awkward introvert?
Don’t be. Become an extrovert. Be friendly with everyone you meet even though you get extreme anxiety and almost pass out from exhaustion. Raise your hand in class every time the professor asks a question.
When you get the urge to look at the floor during a conversation, force yourself to make eye contact with the person. If this is particularly hard for you, pretend that the person is a Weeping Angel from Doctor Who and you can’t blink. Not even once. If you blink, you die.
Need a job?
Throw out your professional wardrobe. After all, your hopeful new boss will be expecting that. It’s good to keep people on their toes. Dress in bright colors with inappropriate jokes on the front of your t-shirts. Wear a bikini and plastic flip flops, if you decide to wear shoes at all.
Above all, though, do not talk about your accomplishments. Employers hate braggers. Actually, don’t talk at all. Employers love the quiet employee who will get their work done.
Don’t know why you’re even going to college?
Continue anyway. Accumulate as much debt as possible because who has time to apply for scholarships when you can get loans? In fact, get a credit card and use it to buy a new dress for every new party you go to. Sleep whenever you feel like it. Go to class 30 minutes late just because you were admiring your face in the bathroom mirror. Skip classes, fail them, and retake them. Be that person who has to retake ACAD.
Thank you for reading our advice column. We wish all of you the best of luck in your endeavors whether that includes relationships, job-seeking, or education. We hope you understand that nothing in this article is suggested and we hope you have a fabulous April Fool’s Day.
Please don’t do any of these things!
HCXO