“I mean, I don’t have a specific team, but I really enjoy watching the games,” is the line I think I’ve told every single person who has ever asked me if I liked football. And until this afternoon, I actually did think I liked the sport; I mean, what’s not to like? Fans everywhere having a good time, cute tailgating outfits that slowly transform into cuter and more comfy jerseys as the temperature changes, the simple happiness that comes with hanging out with friends while silently (or not so silently) hating the opposing team, and there’s even warm beer and cheap food.
If you read any of what I just said you will realize what it to me 21 years to understand; I don’t like football, I like tailgating. Whoops.
So you can imagine my surprise when I sat down to watch the Panthers v. Seahawks game on Sunday that instead of cheering along with my roommates, I was thinking these things instead:
1. Wow, that Cheerleader is like, really pretty.
2. I mean really pretty. And she’s in such good shape.
3. I should workout.
4. Maybe I could be an NFL cheerleader if I worked out more.
5. LOL nah, I’ll be a cheerleader for Cheetos instead.
6. Why was a game that is just men tackling each other invented?
7. And how do they know who to jump on?
8. They all have the same uniforms on!
9. How do they remember who the quarterback is?
10. Is the quarterback the one who catches the ball?
11. Why does the ball look like Hey Arnold? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
12. SCORE! GOAL! TOUCHDOWN! HOMERUN!
13. Wait…why is everyone staring at me?
Oh, the other team scored, oh well you know I was just applauding their skill… I’ll go hide in the corner now.
14. Okay halftime show, I got this, I understand.
15. Nod, nod, laugh. Oh yes, that was a good play, I mean when that one player twisted sideways and fell on that other dude, that totally made the game.
16. BOOTIES!
17. I don’t care if you’re a superfan or not, one thing the NFL does right are their pants. Not lying, I would kill a behind half as good as these players.
18. OUCH!
19. Okay, that had to hurt! No wonder they wear all that padding.
20. Is he going to get up?
21. How is he not dead?!
22. I’m out for the day if I stub my toe and he was just run over by a wall. He is my new hero.
23. Wait… why are they going back to the line they were just on?
34. *Leans to my left* Didn’t they just run that play? (internal applause for using football term)
35. Oh, it’s a down! How did I miss that? Haha I’m so silly. Of course, thank you Jerry for explaining! *Leans to my right* Sheila, what’s a down?
36. Who chose these colors?!
37. Blue and Silver? Black and Gold?
38. Did they look at outdated prom themes for these?
39. Or did they pull them out of a hat?
40. What if two teams have the same colors? I MUST KNOW!
41. Why doesn’t that guy have a shirt on?
42. Dude, it’s 45 degrees outside and I’m not sure if you are painted blue or that is just what color your skin is turning from exposing yourself to the elements.
43. Oh, you’re not cold?
44. That scarf and hat set you’re sporting says otherwise.
45. It’s over?! Already?
46. Darn, I was having such a good time watching this sporting event. What?! You don’t believe me? I didn’t seem into it?
47. Well you know me, I don’t really have a team, I just really enjoy the games.
48. Pass the snacks please.
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