Jinkies!: 7 Scary Movies for Scaredy-Cats

If you’re anything like me, horror movies are as essential to October as PSLs. Also, if you’re like me, you’ve had nightmares of the other mother’s spider form from Coraline for weeks after you saw it.

 

Kind of a yikes, isn’t it? 

Well, despite the fact that I absolutely hate movies with images and CGI monsters that will haunt you forever, I’ve found a small niche of horror films that don’t give the subconscious any material to turn sweet old Ruthie (the ghost of Lourdes hall, btw) into a demonic presence watching your every move.

There are three categories for these movies. We have dark comedies, classic slashers, and supernatural horror (without visible monsters, I promise).

If you truly clicked on the wrong article, I'll give you a little baby kitty buffer before you see any gore.

 

 

Slight spoilers may be ahead, although only for movies older than me, and that’s on you if you haven’t seen it yet.

 

Dark Comedies

A dark comedy is a gory movie that pokes fun at the horror genre, usually in the form of a slasher. These are generally pretty safe (even with a creepy creature) because if you can laugh at a monster, it’s less likely to haunt your dreams.

 

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil: This movie stars two hicks, Tucker and Dale, who bought a nice creepy cabin in the woods to fix up and call their own. Things start to go south for our favorite rednecks when a group of college students camping nearby gets a little too spooked by a scary campfire story and decide that the men are out to get them. This movie is rated R, and stars Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk.

 

The Babysitter: The Babysitter stars Bella Thorne and Robbie Amell, but I promise it’s worth it. Twelve-year-old Cole and his babysitter Bee are best friends by day, but by night, she’s the head of a human-sacrificing cult. Spoiler alert: the kid has to find a way to home-alone these teens to survive the night. This movie is rated TV-MA and came out in 2017.

 

Slashers

Slashers are gory movies where the killer is a person. Classic slashers also follow certain rules about who can and can’t be killed. Generally, the killer is seen wearing a creepy mask, until the unmasking at the end.

 

Scream: Is there anything more iconic than Ghostface’s creepy phone voice asking, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Drew Barrymore stars in this movie, but don’t get excited. She’s brutally murdered in the first nine minutes. Other notable names are Courtney Cox, David Arquette, and Neve Cambell. The Scream series (which contains four movies ranging from 1996-2011) are all rated R. There is also a television series rated TV-14.

 

Hush: I’m gonna be honest here, this is probably the scariest movie on this list. While watching this one, I had to take a break and watch some I-Zombie every 20 minutes. The fact that the main character is just a deaf writer trying to live her life before being stalked by a killer is unsettling at best. There isn’t much sound, so if you tend to watch movies while doing something else (or you don’t know sign language and can’t read lips) I'd recommend watching with subtitles AND the audio dub. This movie came out in 2016 and is rated R.

 

Supernatural

I know you’re thinking “C’mon Meg, you told us there wouldn’t be monsters. Why do you have to do us like that?” Well, I stand by my words. While most supernatural horror (your traditional scary movies) has some kind of freaky doll or ghoul in it, these two have no visible monsters.

 

Truth or Dare (2017): It’s kind of a trash movie, to be honest, but sometimes you need a little senseless gore in your life. A large group of young adults go to a murder house to play some drinking games and hookup with each other. What do they find in the murder house? An off-screen murder demon. Can’t win. This movie is rated TV-14 and doesn’t star any of the big names from the unrelated 2018 film with the same name.

 

Final Destination: The premise of the plot is good: a kid sees a vision of an accident that kills a bunch of people, flips out, gets themselves and a group of others kicked out, then watches as death comes for the survivors in the order they died in. How many different ways can you make that movie? Hollywood decided five was the correct number. That’s right, they made five of these babies. This classic series is also on Netflix, but for some reason, Final Destination 5 is not. These movies span from 2000-2011, and they’re all rated R. Also, the naming gets a little weird, it’s FD, FD 2, FD 3, The Final Destination, and then FD 5. You’re welcome.

 

By the time you’re done with these movies, you’ll never want to live alone, ride a roller coaster, or ever see another teenager in your life. But I have one last movie to write about. The Magnum Opus of all scary movies:

 

My Babysitter’s a Vampire (2010)

 

Happy Halloween, y'all!

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