Teenagers aren’t often credited for their expertise on love, but credited more for *thinking* they know everything there is to know. However, at eighteen years old, I must say I’ve learned a lot about love. Love is glorified, and for a good reason. But it can be scary, too. It’s not easy to welcome the possibility of getting hurt. I learned that love requires sacrifice and can be painful. Sometimes we act angry when we’re really just hurt. But when the hurt outweighs the happy, love begins to fade.
Not entirely from a teenage boy or romantic movies (though very much from them, too), I learned about love from my mom.
My parents taught me not only the parent-child kind of love, but also the in-love kind of love. They showed me to walk away from something that no longer brings happiness and to make sacrifices for the people who are worth everything. My parents were once young and happily in love, but their marriage dissolving taught me more about healthy love than I think a legal contract binding them together for life ever could have.
My mom and dad are incredible people… just not necessarily together. At first I didn’t understand how two incredible people could no longer find happiness with each other. Was something wrong with one or the other? I later came to the understanding that this was not the case at all. Since I was young, my mom taught me a phrase of which I will always remind myself. She said, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors.” What she really meant to defend was that everyone has reasons for what they do and how they feel that aren’t always clear from an outsider perspective. My parents simply couldn’t find love in each other’s eyes like they once could and were exhausted from searching for it. I know that they walked away because they no longer brought each other happiness and didn’t want to show me and my siblings an unhealthy relationship. I’m sorry to the kids who believe that the legal marital contract binding their parents together is a stronger defendant of love than the nightly fights they can’t help but endure.
I see how much joy he [her boyfriend] brings her. Somehow, any stress she has begins to fade away in his presence. I sit and watch while their laughter perpetuates each other’s for reasons they don’t quite know. I notice they ceaselessly find little ways to make each other’s day, each and every day. I think she’s known for a long time that she will spend the rest of her days loving him and he the same. I’m so lucky to have grown up to learn so much about people and all different kinds of love. I learned that just because someone wears a ring on their finger doesn’t mean they are happy, and lacking a diamond on the left hand doesn’t automatically mean unhappy loneliness.
My dad is perfectly happy without a ring, a wedding, or a wife. I see his love when I go on a bike ride in the Cities with him or when our family watches movies on a Friday night instead of going our separate ways. I see his happiness when he does something he enjoys like karate, or biking, or getting candy from his favorite shop. My dad does everything he can to make us feel secure and safe. My parents care more about my well-being than what it costs, and if that isn’t the strongest love, I don’t know what is.
My mom taught me what it looks like to genuinely care about everyone around her, seeing others’ pain and hardships and wanting to mend them. Being raised that way, I thought everyone would be as kind and loving as her. The more people I meet, the more I am wronged by that assumption. Every day I am reminded of her individuality. My mother cares for and loves others more than herself, a rare quality. I have yet to see this as prominent in someone else as it is in her.
The love my mom radiates is reflected in how I share love. I’ve felt the strongest love once I learned to love myself and have been better able to give and receive it. Without self-love, there is no reason to believe that others could truly care for you. The internal tug-of-war between confidence and insecurity can never seem to establish a victor. As wonderful, caring, loving, and selfless as she is, a mom will never see herself the way her children do. She will see where she fell short more clearly than when she went the extra mile. All the lunchbox notes, care packages, and voicemails just to say they’re thinking about you matter so much more than the times they were late to pick you up from practice. Mothers are the most amazing humans and the very best teachers; I just wish they knew it.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about romance. It’s about recognizing where the sources of love are in your life. While I feel love from many places, my mom is a ceaseless, never-ending, never-failing source of love. No matter if I succeed or mess up, she’s always there with her unfailing love. Thank you, thank you endlessly.