The biggest piece of evidence I have of my boy-craziness is being able to catalog my 21 years in chronological crush order. I figured because I’m now of legal age (and I shouldn’t necessarily drunk text my elementary school heartthrobs), I could do the next best thing.
I could write about how hard I crushed on them and what kind of hard liquor or spirit I associate with the time spent.
I could do that.
So I did that.
I will say, I did change all names, but they do retain their initial letter. Sorry, boys… if you didn’t lay claim to my heart, you can’t lay claim to your 15 minutes of fame in my article.
Unless you’re my best friend Jess, I don’t think you’ll be able to pinpoint who every person is. But I wholeheartedly welcome you to the challenge of pinning the tail on the donkey, aka the dude in this instance.
*Please drink responsibly. I am condoning this.*
The Dude: Dane— This crush was one that I remember so vividly, namely the time I spent drawing crazy exaggerated, cringey pictures of us on the playground and a photo of him with bees on his knees because, well, I considered this crush to be the bee’s knees.
The Drink— Apple juice with a splash of vodka. It’s just childish enough to not be abrasive but still provides a little kick.
The Dude: Liam— This crush went on far longer than it needed to. It was one that, looking back, I could’ve cut ties with much earlier and added a whole slew of other dudes and drinks. But alas, I was blinded by his cute dimples.
The Drink— A glass of Merlot. It gets better with time and is not something you can slam, despite how much I wanted to slam my head through a wall for the duration of the crush.
The Dude: Orville— I’ll be honest. This crush came from boredom. There was nothing noteworthy about it, besides the fact he was nice to me and that made my heart soar at age 11? 12?
The Drink— Fireball shot. Because why else do you drink this, unless you’ve run out of options?
The Dude: Todd— Again, I fleshed out this crush because I wanted the cliché way we met to carry us into a fairytale wedding, white doves and all.
The Drink— A swig of Rumchata. Sweet enough, but not always great in hindsight.
*I also may have chosen the drinks for O and T because they paired nicely… Fireball + Rumchata is like a boozy Cinnamon Toast Crunch. So maybe, this alludes to how well the two dudes knew each other.*
The Dude: Ned— I went to some questionable lengths to get him to notice and therefore fall in love, but to no avail.
The Drink— A strawberry daiquiri. They’re pretty to look at. Almost too sweet. Sort of nostalgic to the time of virgin drinks.
The Dude: Josh— Oh, how I wish I could have seen how dumb I looked liking him for so long.
The Drink— Boxed wine. An excessive quantity of both the beverage and unrequited boy-feelings.
The Dude: Levi— I fell into this one because he admitted feelings first, so I felt obligated to at least humor the advances. And even though he instigated what would be a very short and intense crush, he had the gusto to make me feel crazy for caring so much. Please, please make it make s e n s e.
The Drink— Hot toddy. They’re reminiscent of warm and fuzzy holiday feelings, much like the Halloween to near Valentine’s Day I was enamored with him for. But then when the drink is gone, you’re plunged into the Midwestern winter purgatory until at least March.
The Dude: Chad— My first college crush! And honestly, the most short-lived one of everyone on this list, whether they’ll know it or not.
The Drink— A pull straight from a bottle of Svedka Blue Raspberry Vodka. Instant regret.
The Dude: Charlie— This one screams cliche as well. The girl-next-door falls for the hunky athlete. It wasn’t noteworthy. Unless of course, I could’ve lived out my “You Belong with Me” Taylor Swift dream.
The Drink— Coconut rum. This crush felt like a tropical reprieve from all my other laboriously failed love stories.
The Dude: Damian— Man, oh man. I really liked this one. I really, really liked this one. Some thought our bond was written in the stars.
The Drink— A robust sangria. Felt like a grown-up way to get rejected eventually.
The Dude: Harvey— This guy makes my head spin faster than even the fastest of beer bongs or shotguns. He reminds me of the quintessential college experience; and for that, I’ll always love him.
The Drink— A Busch Light… or 6
That concludes the exhaustive list of my crushes I’ve had in life so far.
P.S. this migraine-down-memory-lane would cost an estimated whopping $150… I think the emotional investment was more though.