The idiosyncrasies of what causes people to fall in and out of love might be one of the most complicated languages to learn. Thankfully, in 1992, Gary Chapman wrote a novel called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
In this novel, Chapman covers the five different types—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch—and how these interconnect to explain how people express and experience love.
And although the book came out in 1992, the idea of love languages has taken over popular culture in my opinion as it’s seen weaving its way into ice breakers for people and is even a sorting function on the dating app Bumble.
In this article, I will Hannah-LYZE what the languages are, how to find them, the limitations of the assessment and what I think the importance of the test is.
What Are Love Languages?
1. Words of affirmation—People with this love language express and experience love through kind words and recognition of achievements. Phrases like “I’m proud of you,” “I’m here for you,” and “I care about you” are important in affirming your feelings. With this one, words do speak louder than actions.
2. Quality time—With this love language, simply being around their special someone can elicit fond feelings. It can be a meticulously planned date or an absence of activity. The most important thing is that the time spent together is without distractions and full of genuine connection.
3. Receiving gifts—While this language may seem vain, I don’t think it is. The essence of this is finding small tokens of appreciation for those you care about and feeling joy in sharing that with someone in the form of a physical object. With these people, the language is tangible confirmation of care rather than kind words or time well spent.
4. Acts of service—With this language, actions speak louder than words. The big thing for those with this main language is taking the time to recognize when simple tasks done together can be more meaningful. This can also be extended to completing small tasks on behalf of them to alleviate stress, like getting groceries, gas or other miscellaneous acts. You’re serving the connection by helping them, which in turn helps you in a bond.
5. Physical touch—This is not all about the bow-chicka-wow-wow moments that’ll make someone blush… these people find love and support in gentle embraces too, like a stress-relieving neck massage or a hug. Love is both a physical and emotional sensation, so it makes sense that some people really need that caring caress.
How Can I Find My Love Language(s)?
I haven’t read Dr. Chapman’s book, but I have taken the quiz. On the website, there are four different categories of quizzes: couples, singles, teens and children. When I first heard of the languages, I had taken the teen version. But now, in my ultimate wisdom that also lacks a significant other, I take the singles quiz periodically to see if my language has evolved over time.
The quiz is composed of “either/or” statements like “It’s more meaningful to me when… (A) someone I love sends me a loving note/text/email for no special reason or (B) I hug someone I love.” There can be anywhere from 30-50 statements, depending on the type. The statements pair phrases that coincide with different languages against each other to help gauge which is your primary form of giving and receiving love.
In your results, it breaks down by each language how you express yourself in relationships. For example, I took this quiz again while writing the article. My breakdown is as follows:
Words of affirmation: 32%
Quality time: 29%
Acts of service: 23%
Physical touch: 13%
Receiving gifts: 3%
What’s the Significance of the Languages?
I think the assessment is interesting and a vital part of understanding the people you hope to one day love or even people you’ve loved for a long time. If you know someone long enough, I think these languages will be unwritten expressions rather than finite percentages.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t find it to be valuable. I think the quiz is a good way to check yourself and evaluate the way you want people in your life to show you that they want an active part. I also think it’s a good way to check in with people you hope to love in the future and can even be done together so you’re both on the same page.
Over time, I think the way love is displayed has changed. And I think as we grow as people, we can evolve in our emotional intelligence and responses. This is a great assessment of those factors as we flourish into loving individuals.
Are There Any Language Barriers?
This by no means should be the end-all, be-all for how you learn to show love to yourself and others. Just because I’m 32% in the words of affirmation and love to hear that people are proud of me doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy to receive a thoughtful gift or bouquet of flowers if the moment struck.
It’s about balance. And it’s also about change.
I think, for the most part, I will always love to hear loving words. It’s just who I am. But this can be a reflexive exercise in phases of life as well to see how love grows and bends through time.
At the end of the day, this quiz and the concept are to be interpreted on a personal level because love is a very personal emotion. But the accessibility of finding out how your love style can shape relationships near and far is a fun one to me.
Even if you don’t ever aspire to be bilingual, I hope this article encouraged you to be fluent in the languages of love and how it can connect all those who speak it.