I’m guessing, if you’re reading this, that someone has been ghosting you. You feel like crap. And, let’s face it, if they’re leaving you on ‘read’, they’re probably not worth your time anyway, so are they really worth reading this article over?
The answer is yes. You’ve made it this far, time to go all in. Goggles down. Follow these instructions and you will get through this, I promise.
- Spend Hours Stalking Them on Other Social Media
If you really like this person, chances are you’ve looked them up, serial-killer style, on social media before. We all do it––don’t deny it. You have to embrace the crazy––it’s human nature at its finest. And, chances are, you saw the cute pictures of them with their newborn baby cousin and could barely contain your emotions, or you’ve seen the highly-edited selfies with friends from their high school biology class and the random pictures of a big fish they caught on Clear Lake (it’s always some extremely boring name like that) and thought “wow, this guy/gal is really somethin’.” So, when this person leaves you on delivered for hours on end, check their Twitter. Notice that they liked a tweet an hour ago. Really rub that salt into the wound. Then go onto Instagram. View their story card called “Men for Feminism” that was posted twelve minutes ago from their iPhone and pretend everything is fine. I promise it will help.
- Do a Puzzle
After social media stalking, you’re gonna need something a little less intense to calm your nerves and keep you from sailing over the edge of Sanity Sea. That’s why you should make a cup of herbal tea. Maybe Earl Grey. But THEN it’s back up to the top of the intensity ladder because––you guessed it––it’s puzzle time baby. And no, I’m not even talking about a metaphorical puzzle involving your love interest’s interactions with you or their past relationships in order to figure out what your next move should be, I mean a fricken jigsaw puzzle. Just whip out a classic 500 or 1000-piecer and go to town. Take your mind off things (but not too much because you still gotta do this puzzle and it’s serious sh*t). Corner pieces first!
- Eat Something Really Unhealthy Then Cry About Feeling Gross
I can easily say from personal experience that this method is extremely effective in making you not want to talk to anybody ever again. What you’re going to want to do is put on pajamas that you wouldn’t want anybody to see you in (gigantic props to those people who are comfortable with their bodies in any outfit, but low-waisted booty shorts and a crop top are my personal nemesis). Next, either order some Garlic Bread Knots from Dominos or eat a bunch of “Mega Stuff Oreos” (yes, they have to be Mega Stuffed otherwise you’re a wimp). Eat until you can’t feel the pain. Then, cry about how much food you just ate and how many jumping jacks and clamshells you’re going to have to do later this week at the gym, then fall asleep on the couch with New Girl on in the background. That’ll teach that no-good ghoster who’s boss.
- Post Thirst Traps on Your Story
Let’s be honest here: we’ve all gotten jealous of that special someone and thought that they weren’t as interested in us as they were in someone else. That’s why you really gotta milk this one out. Do your hair. Smear on that red lipstick. Cleavage, pucker, and iPhone portrait mode. Snap that pic and post it with a really cute caption, something like: “She’s not me xoxo” or “Just Chillin’.” Then, check back every 5-6 minutes to see whether or not your crush has viewed your story. This is a sure-fire way to know if they’re ghosting you on purpose or not.
- Throw Your Phone Off a Tall Building, Preferably At Your Crush
This one is pretty self-explanatory and extremely effective. Not only will you be able to get your crush’s attention immediately, but it serves as a conversation starter too. Step one is to find a really tall building. Step two is to climb the stairs (I suggest taking the elevator, actually, so you’re not too light-headed when standing on the roof of a building) to the very top. Step three is to hold your phone over the ledge, say a little prayer, and wait for your crush to walk underneath it. Once you see the target and you’re locked in, it’s bombs away, baby.
I hope this short little list serves you well should you choose to consult it in your time of crisis. And honestly, it’s 2021. If you’re still ghosting people, you’re just immature, and let’s face it, it’s not very swag of you. Do better.