As much of the world sits and twiddles their thumbs—unsure of how to make the COVID-19 situation better—I decided my thumbs could be best used for a different purpose.
That’s right, folks.
Much like my piece surrounding Tinder matches and Christmas lyrics, I thought to myself, How can I use my quarantine and dating apps to put a little happiness into the world?
So, after very little hesitation, I decided I would use my Tinder and Bumble matches for one week of quarantine and speak to them using only variations of these three COVID-19-themed pick-up lines:
- LINE 1: Other than COVID-19, your smile is the most infectious thing I’ve seen spread recently.
- LINE 2: You can’t spell quarantine without *U R A Q T (*read as “you are a cutie”)
- LINE 3: It’s not you + me anymore… it’s coronavirUS.
I’d also like to say that in writing this, I am in no way trying to downplay the severity of this virus or make distasteful jokes at the expense of those who are suffering or may suffer later.
I’ve read the news, I’ve seen the stats, and I am practicing social distancing.
This article is a way for me to look at my situation, use what life has been handing us and try to put a bit of comedy into coronavirus. If the world was run like Tinder or Bumble, I definitely would’ve left swiped on this vicious virus, but alas, it’s not.
So, read with humility and humanity, and experience both those things alongside me as I subject myself to another week of painful puns and virus-related flirting.
*ALSO, like last time, I have changed all names of the boys and informed them of their participation in this article.*
LINE 1
Jacob, 23
H: Other than COVID-19, your smile is the most infectious thing I’ve seen spread recently.
J: Smoooooth! *laugh-cry emoji x 3*
H: Why thank you… just me living like a QT, because you definitely need those two letters to spell quarantine.
While this interaction was a rather short one, he seemed amused at my article’s concept and wished me well afterward. Thanks for being chill!
Chris, 22
H: You know, your smile is quite infectious too…
C: If we don’t get quarantined soon, it may spread.
H: Aw, what makes you say that?
C: Well seeing your cute face only causes it to grow.
H: You’re so cute. How’s quarantine treating you?
C: It’s been fun! Work has been tiring though. You?
H: I’ve been painfully bored at home.
I blushed for about 20 whole minutes having this interaction and half-considered throwing social distancing out the window and kissing this boy. But I’m conscious of the fact that’s very ill-advised right now, so I refrained.
UPDATE: We’re still talking. Will the fuzzy feelings last longer than this state of emergency? Only time will tell.
Antonio, 20
H: Corona has helped me to notice contagious things, one of which being your smile.
A: Awww, thank you *smile emoji*
H: How’s quarantine been treating you?
A: Been super bored, how about you?
H: Same. Cleaning out my Netflix queue.
A: Looking for a cuddle buddy?
This conversation continued elsewhere about our TV viewings and other interests, but ultimately was a dead-end for a quarantine boyfriend. He seemed genuine, though.
LINE 2
Reggie, 22
H: You can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
R: *tongue emoji x 4*
H: They don’t call it coronavirUS for nothing
R: *proceeds to ask for Snapchat*
H: *gives Snapchat*
This conversation carried on elsewhere, but it was rather lackluster after he realized my flirtatious nature came from the article and less from the attraction. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Nick, 21
H: You can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
N: Ride my *rooster* (for lack of a better word)
H: Oh…
N: Ya, ride it
H: I’ll pass
N: Damn, I’m kind of horny right now, thinking about you riding my thick, long *rooster*
H: Really?
N: Can we snapchat?
H: *declines & removes match*
I told him why I opened with a one-liner like that; I thought it might curtail his lust for me but to no avail. We did not keep in contact. Clearly he’s afflicted with a severe case of horniness as well.
James, 20
H: You can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
J: Ayyyye, I see you haha
H: It’s not just me and you, it’s coronavirUS babe.
J: LMFAO, ok girl go crazy.
H: LOL
J: We are gonna have to do a whole quarantine date ‘til this thing blows past… *like bubble boy
H: OMG, an unlocked memory!
J: LMAO
H: *Spongebob GIF*
J: No immunity.
H: Absolutely
J: *proceeds to ask about my day*
H: *proceeds to tell him*
This guy was a total sweetheart before, during and after this little experiment. I’m still in contact with him, although I’ve put a halt to the one-liners.
LINE 3
Andrew, 21
H: Hey, thoughts on making you and me into coronavirUS?
A: Hey :)
He was completely unfazed and therefore, completely boring to talk to… Sorry, “Andrew.”
Sammy, 22
H: I just wanted to say, don’t fear. It’s not you against the world anymore; it’s coronavirUS.
S: Oooooh, I like that one
H: Oooooh thanks, I’ve been given lots of time to craft one-liners in this quarantine.
S: Well I wish I was quarantined with you
H: Oh? What makes you say that?
S: Well, you’re very cute.
Sammy made me wanna swoon, for sure. He didn’t love my idea, but he did still want to continue talking so I consider that a success.
I hope reading these brought even a sliver of a smile to your face during these treacherous times… just remember, treachery exists in the trenches of Tinder and Bumble as well.