Throughout my life, I had never really thought about my sexuality. It’s not like I was denying it—it just truly never came to my mind. That is, until freshman year.
My friends and I started to hang out with another girl; we’ll call her Eden. She was older, and another one of my friends had a crush on her. I knew that, and it wasn’t an issue for me. I didn’t feel jealous, but I felt like I had a connection with Eden. I really wanted to be close with her but in a platonic way. She was funny, kind, witty, and I truly enjoyed spending time with her and my friends.
Fast forward a couple weeks, and Eden told my friend that she didn’t reciprocate the crush. Soon, Eden told me she had feelings for me. I wasn’t necessarily surprised (not to be cocky) because I had realized that we had been sharing glances and smirks every once in a while, and at that time I didn’t notice we were more than friendly. I specifically remember the night that she told me she liked me. It was Christmas break, and we stayed up for hours talking to each other. I felt butterflies that I had never felt before. I told her I thought I was straight (so naive), but I eventually realized that I liked her back. We hung out, and when she put her hand on my arm, my entire body was electric. I was pretty much done for.
When I came home one night, my dad sat down with me. He asked me if I liked her more than a friend. I was scared. I was never one to lie to my parents, but if I didn’t, he knew. I was always supportive of the LGBTQIA community, but now it was me dealing with it, and I felt weird. I realized I couldn’t lie to him. I nodded my head. My parents have supported me since.
Eden and I kept hanging out, and I became more and more infatuated with her. I was not very open about our relationship because I was young and still in the closet. Then, one night, it happened. I was working concessions at a basketball game, and I got a text from my sister who was sitting in the student section. She said something along the lines of, “Are you gay? People are asking if you’re a lesbian.” Now, only my closest couple of friends knew anything. How could people know? Who started talking about me? Like I said earlier, I’m not one to lie. I couldn’t stop it. It was out. I was out.
People asked me weird and personal questions at school as if my sexuality was now the most interesting thing about me. Some girls would act differently towards me, but only slightly so; it was enough that I could notice they saw me in a different light but not enough to be rude. I was upset, I was angry, and I was scared. I had people who supported me of course, but still; this was my personal life and I didn’t even have control over it.
At first, everyone thought I was a lesbian, which is not something offensive that I had to defend myself against. However, it wasn’t who I am. I like guys, and I like girls. I just like people that I like.
Years later, I still don’t know if there even is a label that I would feel good with. I struggle with my sexuality and my identity every day, but I’ve also learned so much. I’m a much different person than I was 4 years ago, and I’m glad. I’m still angry, I still grapple with how unfair it all was, and I often think about how or when I would have come out if it was on my terms. However, I’m grateful for those growing pains. I’m grateful that I have struggled and hurt and loved. I never got my chance to come out for the first time, but I will continually have the chance to learn to forgive, to better myself, and to create myself. I still don’t know where I belong. But I know that if I can’t find a spot for myself, I will make one.
– B
To those who have also been outed: I am sorry. You deserve so much more, and I am proud of you for making it this far. Keep going. To those who are not out or still figuring it out: it’s okay. Take your time. I’m proud of you.
I want to thank my sister’s best friend. She will likely never read this, but the night that I was outed, she defended me against the people who started to talk when I wasn’t there to do it myself. So thank you.
Another thank you is to Eden. I have so much work to do in order to love, understand, and appreciate myself, but you helped start the journey. Thank you for the time together.
My last thank you is to my family, specifically my sister. My family has continually made an effort to understand terms, ideas, and concepts that they didn’t know before. Your support has allowed me to truly be myself around you, which is not something that every queer kid has. Thank you.