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Letting go. Sometimes it is easy, like cutting the thinning string that has kept you attached for too long, and sometimes it is not so simple. Sometimes, you haven’t had the chance to see whatever has you spending hours of self-questioning to the end, haven’t had the time to come to terms that it needs to end. Letting go can feel like an admittance of failure kicking you in the abdomen, a rhythmic release of internal pain. And no matter how deep the impact is, you find yourself holding onto it, not unlike the parent who tries to contain their child during a tantrum. No matter how much disgust, pain and confusion you see in the child’s face you grab their hands because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t. But letting go is good for you, for me, for all of us.
Over the years, I’ve had plenty of time to let go. But I didn’t always take the opportunity to do it. Perhaps, more often than I would like to admit, I held on until someone else was brave enough to cut the string or until time made the thought of pain irrelevant. I can attribute this reluctance to the conditioning women experience throughout their lives, being told that they have to be the consoling creature that does not bring pain, only a sense of safety and home. And that definitely has played a part, but a much larger culprit is fear. Letting go means making a choice to opt out on your own terms. And we can’t blame others if the choice is made alone. So it is fear, fear that I may be making a mistake or worse, causing unnecessary pain, that keeps me holding on.
I would like to say that the older I get, the less patience I have to keep myself in situations that I know are unhealthy, no longer fun or that leave me with more questions than answers. While I have become more aware of these situations, I still can’t seem to tap out once I know it is for the best. I’m human, and I am still coming to terms that as a human I am going to make mistakes.That I cannot be certain that the choice I make will have the desired results, that I will indeed be happier than I was before. I cannot even be sure that happiness is the primary motivation. So that fear I mentioned above, slowly finds its way back to me and keeps me waiting for the best time to push the eject button. But those times rarely, if ever, come.
So I spend every day coaching myself with the hopes that one day I will be less prone to prolonging the inevitable, able to move on without the stalling. I write down my thoughts. It allows me to release the words that sometimes feel like they will suffocate me if I don’t. And I read them. Over and over again, like a mantra. Hoping that they will add a layer of protection to the spots that suffer the most blows. I talk to those I hold close, because no matter how repetitive these conversations can feel, their very action lets me know that once I do let go, I will have a place to go. In the warm embrace of those who love and care for me. For some, this process is quick, and for others it is a journey with many pit stops, but regardless of how long it takes, letting go is something we all need to work on, something we must do. It is how you open yourself up to new, fresh possibilities. It is how you grow.