In season 6 episode 7 of Sex in the City Jack Berger infamously breaks up with Carrie Bradshaw via Post-It-Note. It read, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me”. I remember watching this episode for the first time several years ago and spitting out my drink. I felt the indignity of it all. A Post-It-Note?! Are you kidding me?!
Flash forward to this year. One morning I woke up to 10 urgent Facebook messages from a close friend informing me that her long distance boyfriend of a year had just broken up with her via text—he had “Bergered” her. I felt the same sense of outrage and indignation as I felt for Carrie, except this time, I could do something about it. Together we created a full-proof system for dealing with this level of modern day douche-baggery:
Step 1: DO NOT RESPOND (at least not immediately)
I know it seems counter-intuitive, but let’s be clear here, a text message concerning the status of your relationship is not worthy of your response. I know your first instinct might be to respond with a scathing text, but don’t dignify that type of cowardice. He’s not worth it.
Step 2: Ignore the Bastard
Self explanatory—make him sweat.
Step 3: Wait a Week and Unleash Hell
Now you’ve lulled him into a false sense of security. He thinks he’s gotten away with it. He’s probably thinking how lucky he is that he hasn’t had to deal with any of the messy break up emotions. Call him at a moment of vulnerability—late at night just before bed, or early in the morning right when he wakes up. Don’t apologize for being angry. Don’t censor your emotions. Call him out on his cowardice. DRAG HIM. Insult his momma. Stomp on that tiny little ego.
Step 4: Burn it all
Leave no rock uncovered. Get rid of it all. His favorite sweatshirt? Donate it. That mixtape he made you? Throw it in the trash. The crappy Christmas present he got you? Out the damn window. You don’t need reminders of that spineless jerk.
Step 5: TREAT YO SELF
Get your friends together and TREAT YO SELF. Drink, cry, have all the cake/pizza/burritos you could dream of and remember that you are fabulous and you deserve respect. Most importantly don’t forget the cardinal rule: Men are like buses, as soon as one leaves, another one comes.