5 Reasons Why Chaucer is the Ultimate Homie

*Author’s Note: I’ve been taking a class on the Canterbury Tales and it has consumed by academic and social life. All I can think about is Chaucer. All I want to do is talk about Chaucer. I have isolated friends and family but my spirits are buoyed by the warmth of Geoffry’s golden words. The following cases are just some of the many life-altering ways that the Canterbury Tales have affected me. 

1. Middle English is sexy as hell

Not only have I memorized the first 18 bagin’ lines of the opening prologue in the original dialect, but so has my boyfriend. More than once has a great night started with the whispered words, “Wh’an that Aprill with hise shoures soote/The drought of March has perced to the roote”.

I’m usually a goner by the time we get to “So prikith hem nature in hir corages”. 

2.  Chaucer taught me the dirtiest jokes I know

 

(Getting up close and personal with Satan’s booty)

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

As a way to get back at the self-righteous Friar, the Summoner relates this twisted retelling of The Friars In Heaven. It goes as follows: A Friar is taken by an angel to be shown the depths of Hell, as an educational tour or something. As this Friar takes a look around, he thinks, Dang this is pretty good. Not a single Friar roasting down here! Feeling pretty pleased, he asks the angel if indeed there is not a single Friar in Hell. “Nah dude,” says this angel smiling. “Lemme show you where all the Friars are at”. And so this angle calls over Satan. The Friar looks up at the beastly creature and watches as it slowly turns around and lifts up its tale. And then, out of Satan’s asshole flies a whole hoard of Friar. Out of his asshole. These anus-Friars fly a quick a lap around hell and then scoot right back into Satan’s flaming asshole.

The Friar then proclaims, “Shit” and skedaddles right back up to Earth feeling like a huge douche.

3. Chaucer thought up some brutal pranks.

 

(Note the husband chilling in the upper right while his wife gets it on with her lover in the lower left)

Next time you need to get rid of a pesky husband to have a quick romp with his wife, try this: feign a prophetic vision, convince him the second flood is coming, and get him to squat in a bathtub in the barn attic while you do your thing. 

4. The Wife of Bath GETS ME

(There she is in the middle, note the classy wineglass and the double nip slip)

This kooky bitch has the third longest tale in this male-dominated text, and uses it to rant about mutual pleasure, female sexual agency, and how she punked her past five husbands. She lives her own truth and she doesn’t give a single shit about what anyone thinks. I want to split a bottle of Barefoot Chardonnay with this woman and pick her brain. 

5. Chaucer understands that bodies are weird and thinks that’s hilarious.

The Canterbury Tales are filled with inopportune burps, farts used as weapons, and as we’ve seen before, Satan’s asshole. Chaucer understands that each of us are human af, and doesn’t let us forget it. No matter how elevated you are, how noble or wise, you can still let one rip and be so embarrassed you flee your native land for thirty years (real example).

CONCLUSION: Chaucer is a dirty old bastard and I love him dearly. I could go on praising his work all day, but I think I’ll leave you wanting more. I hope one day you will find a little Chaucer in your own life, and be filled with the same childlike glee that I am now.