You’ve made it to the Her Campus Sex Archives. We had our girls contribute some of their worst, most embarrassing, and most hilarious sex stories ever. We got so much feedback that we’ve started a 5-segment series, starting here with the stories that are JUST PLAIN BAD.
Stories have been edited for length, grammar and clarity.
My first ever boyfriend (and sexual partner) had a thing for piercings. So, in the heyday of my emo phase, he asked me to put a spiked lip stud in my lip piercing, even though I warned him that it was sharp. Come the time when things were getting hot and heavy, I went to go down on him. I was moving my head up when he moved, and well….my lip piercing cut the head of his penis and put a slit on the side of it. He screamed and jumped away, and was freaking out. As far as I know, a few years later, the slit is still there. He can’t say I didn’t warn him!
Not so much a sex story as a lack of sex story, but I was in the only openly gay couple in my high school, and my girlfriend’s mother happened to be the secretary. She would always give me strange looks, and I never understood why, until I found out that there was a rumour going around that my girlfriend and I were having hot sex during lunch breaks! I was too nervous to even kiss her at Catholic school, let alone have sex! I’m sure that made for an awkward conversation between her and her mother.
I had started talking to a guy who I’d known for a couple of years. He came over one evening, and one thing lead to another and I started going down on him. I’m not even joking, I was doing my thing for fifteen seconds, and he blew his load! No warning, nothing! I Ronda Rousey, 15 seconds, knocked him out! To make things worse, he said “I’ll text you tomorrow,” and never texted me back! Blocked me on all social media that night, and the next week I found out that he had a girlfriend! Poor girl.
I was hanging out with my boyfriend and decided to give him give a blowjob. As he was about to cum I decided to be a great person and let him cum in my mouth. WRONG DECISION. As I was trying to swallow I gagged and not only was I now choking on cum but it was flying out of my mouth AND nose. Needless to say, I was covered in cum, my nose was on fire and then I cried.
It was my first year of college and, of course, hormones were raging, so like every other single first year, my Tinder game was strong. I had matched with this guy who lived across the street from me, so I decided to go and hangout with him one night. We were in his room watching Easy A, a movie that is now tainted for me, and things started getting heated. All of a sudden he looks down at me and with a dead serious face just says the word “pounce”. To which I responded “ummm sorry what…” Little did I know this was his way of asking if I wanted to have sex… STRIKE ONE. He gets up and goes over to his shelf to get a condom. He puts it on and then turns around and looks at me and goes “Is this right?” Excuse me?!?!? Apparently, he had never used a condom before and borrowed this one from his friend. STRIKE TWO. He comes back and gets into bed next to me, looks over and says “I don’t normally finish, so just let me know when you’re done.” STRIKE THREE, I’M DONE! We had sex for maybe five minutes before I tapped out and got out of there as fast as possible.
I was getting ready to do the deed with a guy who was fairly new to the whole sex thing, but we’d drunkenly done it before and it was great. He put it in, I moved a bit to get comfy, and then he stopped after like 3 seconds… I asked him why he stopped and he looked at me like he was going to cry! He had already finished! I spent the next half hour trying to make him feel better as I sat there frustrated/trying not to laugh. Whoops!
We were at my ex’s parents’ house and I was going down on her, when she started balling. I was kind of an idiot and thought she was not enjoying herself…. but it was actually because we just came from her grandmother’s funeral. I still feel bad.
I had found out that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Within the next week he changed his Facebook relationship status to in a relationship, and we haven’t spoken since. A few months passed and his friends invited me and my friends out to a party (totally not knowing if he would be there or not). I met one of the guys who was hosting this party and he was sooo hot. One thing led to another and we found ourselves in his bed at the end of the night. Everything was so perfect. However, I didn’t find out until the next morning that not only was my ex-boyfriend at the party, but he also spent the night in the room right next to me and my mystery man. Talk about awkward. It gets better though, as it turns out I really did know my mystery man. My ex used to talk about him all the time; he really looked up to him because he was the captain of his soccer team. I win!
THERE’S MORE! Stay tuned for the next 4 segments of Her Campus WLU’s Sex Story Archives.