I’ve written a lot about life in your twenties, mostly because, as a twenty-something-year-old, that’s what I know best. From the very few years of me being in my twenties, I feel as though I’ve already observed a lot. I’ve learned two main things that separate your twenties from your teens.
The first thing I’ve learned is that everyone is in a completely different place than everyone else around them. No longer are you experiencing milestones at the same time as everyone else your age as you did in high school. Some people are spending the entirety of their twenties in school while others are close to ten years into their careers. Some people are getting married and starting families while other people are still living with their parents with no clue how to do taxes. Personally, I relate to the latter. Your twenties are the years of not knowing whether to react with a smile or consoling words when your friend says, “I’m pregnant.” It’s doing regular adult things and still feeling silly doing them and using words like “big girl purchases” or “grown-up jobs” because it still doesn’t feel like it should be you doing these things. It’s finally being in a non-uniform part of your life that allows you to explore different paths that take you down completely different roads from your former peers.
This brings me to the second thing I’ve observed about being in your twenties: no matter who you are or what path you take, there is a large societal emphasis on self-growth, healing your past self and discovering who you are. Maybe it comes from finally being let out of the structured box that is primary and secondary school. Maybe it has something to do with your frontal lobe being developed, who knows? All I know is that throughout these very different journeys that we are all on, we are all seeking the same thing: to find out who we are.
Growth has been a defining theme for me over the last few years. I’ve been able to learn a lot of cool things about myself and a lot of not-so-cool things about myself. I’m still learning every day. The one thing that I wasn’t expecting on this journey was how horrible working on yourself can feel. Loneliness, a lack of understanding, feeling lost, letting go of some friends and a lack of fulfillment were a few of the things and feelings I wasn’t expecting to experience on a journey that was supposed to bring me to my best self. I mean, that’s what it means to “be better,” right? So why does growth feel so hard? Why does it sometimes feel easier to crawl back to old versions of ourselves than to keep searching for new ones?
I’m far enough down this path now that while I know I have a lot more growing, learning and changing to do, I also have a better understanding and acceptance of the discomfort that comes with that growth and change. I like to picture it in my head like flipping a house. I picture my bad habits and all the areas I want to work on as fundamental issues within a house: a cracked foundation, water damage and maybe even mould in the walls. Stuff that doesn’t get in the way of everyday living but will always exist in the back of your mind as something that you want to fix before it ruins your house beyond repair. When doing a house flip it feels fun and exciting and the anticipation for the outcome makes you restless for results. However, what comes next isn’t always fun, good and exciting. It’s trying to decide between what feels like endless amounts of colour swatches, fixtures and layouts of the house. It’s choices on top of choices that can leave you feeling overwhelmed and anxious. It’s feeling lost in new areas you don’t feel familiar with. It’s staring at the bare bones of a house that used to resemble your safe space and familiarity, no matter how broken it was. It’s months, sometimes years of planning and changing your mind before finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what it’s like to grow into your new self. It feels confusing, full of choices regarding who you’re going to be and sometimes overwhelming. You’re looking at old habits you’ve made and having to choose to walk away into something unknown and unfamiliar. Unfortunately, growing often requires breaking down old walls and dealing with the internal damage left over before you can grow into your next phase of life. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t make it any less necessary.
I wish, as much as the next person, that the process of growing felt as good as the eventual growth itself. However, I’ve learned that the discomfort that comes with growth can be a beautiful thing. It can reinforce how much those habits and routines impacted your life. Fighting through that uncomfortable feeling allows you to truly see how much internal love and respect you’re giving yourself to put your best interests before your comfort zone. Breaking habits, unlearning old truths and rediscovering yourself isn’t easy and it isn’t fun, but without it you could let your potential and full truth slip between your fingers. I’m still learning and changing as much as the next person, but if I could give any word of advice to anyone else going through this pain or fearing it, it would be to not let your fear overtake the love you should have for yourself. Challenge the uncomfortable bit by bit and let yourself learn to love the process, not just the results.