The Ten Types of People You See at the Movies

As a student, one of my favourite ways to unwind after a stressful week of class and work is going to the movies. It doesn’t matter where it is, I live for that moment of peace I get when sitting in front of the big screen. However, there are certain types of people that seem to frequent the movies, whether you like it or not.

1) The person who buys all the food

The beautiful but arguably unnecessary thing about movie theatres is the overabundant selection of food. As a person who enjoys food as much as the next, I get it, food rocks. But nine times out of ten most people are going to go with the age-old favourite of popcorn, a drink, and/or some candy. That’s just how it’s meant to be. There’s always that one person you’re standing behind in line that acts like they’re buying a car. Choosing something but then asking the price (it’s right in front of you) and THEN changing their mind twelve times. Please, just let me get my bag of buttered happiness and move on.

2) The “19 Kids and Counting” family 

There’s always one family that brings in a TLC channel sized group to spend twenty minutes deciding on their snack orders, parading into the theatre, and subjecting everyone to screaming, food throwing, crying, loud questions and more crying for the length of the movie. It’s usually a movie that really isn’t meant for little kids either - like Deadpool. Please leave your little rugrats at home if they’re under the age of four. Please, I beg you.

3) The sports commentator

My personal enemy and my biggest pet peeve will always be that one person (usually sitting by themself) who comments loudly on what’s transpiring during the movie. Pointing things out, making comments, generally acting like they’re the unofficial narrator of the movie. If I wanted that, I’d watch a baseball game on TV. Why are people so determined to hear themselves?

4) The no personal space guy 

This has happened to me more times than I’d like to count. This person (usually a man) sits down right beside you even though there are tons of empty seats. You have an entire theatre to choose from yet you sit down right beside me…not only is that very creepy and uncomfortable, but nine times out of ten they try to make unwanted conversation surrounded by a cloud of musty grandpa smell. 

5) The Recess Squad

This group can usually be seen at a horror movie or a raunchy Seth Rogan comedy. The teenaged, “cool” youngsters that give you an, “old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn” vibe. You don’t want them there even before they’ve done anything and when they inevitably throw popcorn at each other and talk loudly, you can only nod to yourself and question when today’s youth went so far downhill.

6) The Snack Monster

You know who I mean. The one who orders everything but a turkey dinner and eats like they haven’t eaten in a week. Nothing like the echoing sound of popcorn kernels crunching between teeth, am I right?

7) The ring-a-ding-ding guy

Those cheesy pre-movie ads are lame, but they’re there for a reason, buddy. Respect everyone else and TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. I don’t want to be sitting on the edge of my seat when the killer is trying to find the girl only to hear your Eminem ringtone blare out ruining the moment. Just do everyone a favour, Slim Shady, and get out. 

8) The Laugh Track

There’s always that one movie I go to see where a few people collectively laugh at absolutely everything. From mildly humorous to not-at-all laugh worthy, these people always make me feel like I’m in a sitcom, but I don’t know what the joke is. 

9) The too much PDA couple 

You know the ones. The young couples that creep to the back of the theatre and thinks they’re acting “casual”. Then the lights go down, you accidentally catch a glimpse of something you never intended to see, and you suddenly relearn where babies come from.

10) The Clappers 

The credits roll signaling the end of the movie and clapping rings throughout the theatre as though you’ve just witnessed a live performance. Some people even cheer. You sit there in confusion and annoyance wondering if you too start to clap, will Leonardo DiCaprio step out from behind the screen and take a bow, beaming with pride?

At the end of the day, it would probably take a nuclear explosion to interrupt a movie for me, especially if it's one I really wanted to see. Everyone enjoys movies differently, so just drown everything else out, sit back with your snacks, and relax - you deserve it.