When you’ve known someone all your life, staying friends seems like a requirement. It’s as if it’s written into the contract of friendships that last more than 10 years, and when you feel like you’re not meeting those standards, it’s like you’re breaking an unwritten rule.
This is the dilemma I’ve found myself in recently. Being friends with someone you’ve known forever seems fun and exciting, but when you start to drift apart, the rules for how to handle that blur. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that there are stages that come with drifting apart from these friendships.
It’s hard to accept that things have changed when it’s been so long, but sometimes, knowing each other for years isn’t enough, and that’s okay. Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime, and the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that friendships don’t need a definitive end. You can be grateful for the time you had together while still acknowledging that you weren’t meant to be in each other’s lives forever.
Much like the stages of grief, moving on from long-term friendships follows a similar pattern. After spending some time reflecting on my situation, I’ve come up with five stages of falling out with a long-term friend.
Stage One: Ignoring
This stage felt like the hardest to get out of. It’s so easy to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist because it hurts less than recognizing that things feel different. It’s also easy to think that maybe the problem isn’t as big as it feels. Instead of admitting that something is changing, ignoring the problem allows you to act like everything is fine.
Stage Two: Resenting
This stage marks the beginning of acceptance. However, it’s a very “it’s not me, it’s you” mindset. It starts to feel like you’re putting in all the effort while the other person sits back and does nothing. Instead of wanting things to work out with your long-term friend, you resent them for allowing the drifting to happen.
Stage Three: Reaching
Anger and resentment don’t last forever, and things start to become a bit sad. Instead of expecting them to do all the work, you begin to overcompensate. You’ll think reaching out more, texting more or calling more will make things better. You force the relationship to work because you don’t know a time in your life when it hasn’t.
Stage Four: Drifting
You’ll begin to see things a bit clearer now. Slowly you’ll realize that no matter how many times you send “one more text,” it won’t fix what’s actually broken. The truth begins to show itself and instead of feeling anger and then overcompensating, you’ll start to notice that things just aren’t the same. You’ll probably experience the most nostalgia here as you begin to feel sad for what you no longer have.
Stage Five: Letting Go
Call it what you want: accepting, moving on or letting go — the final stage is the heaviest hitter. It’s bittersweet to make peace with the fact that things have changed, and it’s okay if it makes you a little sad too. Conversations might go from once-a-day chats to bimonthly catchups, and that’s all part of the moving on. You don’t need to be estranged from this person, and you don’t need to be best friends anymore either. Instead, you can just be two people who had a really good run and then grew up.
There are aspects of growing up that aren’t taught, and this is one of them. It’s hard to move on, especially when you don’t know what it feels like for things to be different. At the end of the day, it’s important to recognize that you don’t need to force that friendship just because it’s always been there. The memories are there, and maybe that can be enough.