I think about the word “sonder” a lot. The neologism made up by John Koenig in his book, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, is used to describe “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness — an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk”. This beautifully written definition makes me overthink my reality.
I live day in and day out at the centre of my own story, everyone around me acting as secondary characters — an NPC (non-playable characters), if you will. It is so easy to go about my day-to-day life solely focused on my own perspective — internalizing the world around me through only the lens of my own eyes. However, every single human being on this Earth leads a life just as complicated and layered as my own, which I just may or may not be included in. Although this concept may seem obvious due to Koenig’s concise summary, “sonder” encapsulates a major aspect of our existence that often goes completely unnoticed or forgotten. Because we pay little to no attention to how our lives are interconnected, many of us often fail to realize how easily we can influence the course of someone else’s life because their emotions, perspectives and experiences are as vivid as our own. In other words, according to Koenig, everyone is the main character.
Picture yourself in the passenger seat of a car, your attention caught by an airplane flying closely overhead. That very airplane is filled with passengers travelling to the same destination for their own reasons. Those sitting in a window seat could be looking down at all the little moving cars driving on the street — perhaps the very car you’re in. Examples like this demonstrate how easily our lives can be intertwined even if it is in the slightest, most minuscule of ways. As a result, it can certainly make our everyday, mundane interactions seem much more significant. Think about how many strangers you walk by in a shopping mall or surround you in a coffee shop; every single one of those strangers has their own unfolding story that you are merely an extra in. However, unlike those up in an airplane, how you interact with those around you can be received in ways that directly impact someone’s day, week, year or, as dramatic as it may sound, life.
So, with this power comes great responsibility. Smile at those passing by, give compliments and hold the door for those behind you. You have absolutely no idea what individuals are going through, so be a stranger that’s kind.