A sad fact about relationships nowadays is that it seems as though every young adult experiences at least one toxic relationship. Usually, there’s no one party to blame, which is how the cycle of toxicity snowballs from one upsetting experience to the entire nature of a relationship. For me, getting out of this situation was a breath of fresh air and the start of a new chapter in my life where I felt so sure of myself and who I was. But now that you’ve picked up the pieces and repaired the damage within yourself (which is the step that everyone talks about post-freedom), nobody talks about how foreign it is to start a new and healthy relationship. It’s only after you’re out of a toxic relationship that you recognize the negative effects that have remained with you and changed what you think is normal.
You don’t trust people, including yourself
Say you’re lucky enough to meet as great of a guy as I have now, almost too great that you wonder if having no red flags is a red flag in itself. But because of the unexpected chaos and fights from your past, you expect your happiness to come to a crashing burn at any moment. This leads you to be wary of good times and constantly have your guard up because you think it’s the calm before the storm. But now that this constant guard isn’t needed, it’s hard to trust even yourself. Fights will come up, as they do with any relationship, and you catch yourself falling back into that old mentality of having to be emotionally hard and wanting to be invulnerable to protect yourself. This can make you wonder if you’re the toxic one now, and lead you to question what you know to be a ‘healthy relationship’. It is important to remember how far you’ve come from who you used to be. That not every partner is the same, and if they turn out to be, then you already know the signs to look out for.
You expect the worst
There’s a saying that when you assume you make an ass out of u and me. It can be extremely damaging to your new relationship to hold your partner to the same standards as your previous one, especially if you know they’re different. But because you’re hardwired to expect the worst out of any situation, it can be difficult to shake those pessimistic thoughts.
Apologizing and saying thank you too much
Typically, in a toxic relationship, the narcissist believes that they are always in the right, that they are never to blame and because you were stuck in the cycle, it became ingrained in you to constantly apologize for things that were not your fault, just to keep the ‘peace’. You were also taught that good behaviour results in receiving love, but that you’ll never be enough to receive the full love you deserve. Because of this, you keep trying to do the most and show your gratefulness at all times. Healthy relationships don’t operate on a barter system like toxic ones. There’s no give and take where you’re held accountable for stroking your partner’s ego. Healthy relationships are based upon respect and equity, not a power struggle.
Always remember how far you’ve come as an individual, and that you do deserve the good things in your life.