Healing from a toxic relationship can often feel difficult at times but experiencing a healthy relationship after a toxic relationship can be hard sometimes too, this goes both ways for romantic relationships and friendships. Understanding boundaries wants and needs in relationships can help when navigating a healthy relationship. These are a few things I did when navigating a healthy relationship and friendship after toxic ones.
Understanding and Communicating Boundaries
Being able to recognize and understand your boundaries is very important not only for a relationship but for yourself. Boundaries are important to ensure you feel safe, respected and cared for, especially in a relationship. In a relationship, boundaries can often be overlooked or crossed because of feelings or history. After a toxic relationship, communication about boundaries can often be difficult. I often felt scared to share my boundaries because I was scared that the other person wouldn’t react positively – or even worse, that they would want to end the relationship. But your boundaries are worth more than someone who won’t respect them. It’s good to be able to have a good talk about your boundaries when you feel comfortable. This can include using lines such as:
“I don’t like it when I am often interrupted during a conversation. It makes me feel inferior and I want to feel like an equal in a relationship/friendship.”
Communicating your boundaries especially while using “I” can help strengthen them, but most importantly make sure YOU feel comfortable sharing them with others. Accepting that this is something you need for yourself can help you be more confident in sharing them with other people.
Know Your Love Languages
I adore love languages! After learning about them I noticed how much more they improved my relationships and friendships. They helped me understand how to show love for others in the way they need it and what I need to feel loved. Also, it’s super cute sharing a love languages quiz with others and talking more about your love language. For example, one of my friend’s love languages is words of affirmation, while mine is gift-giving. I love buying my friends little gifts that remind me of them, dropping them off sweets or their Starbucks order when they’re sad or putting a lot of effort during birthdays, Christmas etc. However, it’s difficult for me to communicate in words my feelings and affection for someone so my friend didn’t really feel as much love despite my efforts in giving her gifts. After communicating with each other, I learned to be more open and communicative about my appreciation for them while still incorporating my own love language. You can communicate your love language like this:
“I feel more appreciated/loved when we spend time together without using our phones — just so I can focus on my time with you more and enjoy it.”
Encouraging using your love languages can help build healthy connections and help you feel more heard and appreciated especially after a toxic relationship. It was very refreshing to have my love languages heard after they were often ignored in my past toxic relationships. When navigating your relationships, make sure to feel heard and to do the same for the other person.
Understand Your Attachment Style
There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Understanding your own can tell you a lot about yourself and how you can improve it to a secure one. Your attachment style can definitely shift from secure to anxious or avoidant after a toxic relationship, but it’s important to work on it to help yourself during other relationships. Asking yourself questions on why you may be responding to certain situations in a particular way. Here are some important concepts for building a more secure attachment style.
1. Build a strong and healthy relationship with YOURSELF – self-esteem and self-love are essential!
2. Get rid of toxic relationships!
3. Reach out to other sources like therapy to help you understand yourself better.
4. Lean on friends and family for support.
It’s hard to go from a toxic relationship to a healthy one but understanding how to communicate and put yourself first can help build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship – not only with yourself but with others as well.