The loss of a loved one occurs in many forms. Finding your own ways of coping with a loss is a long, difficult process; however, this has helped me personally manage and find myself in a world without that piece of my heart. I want to preface this by mentioning that this is not an instruction manual for coping. These are simply my experiences, as I’ve finally found that I am ready to share them. Also, to those who have lost a loved one in the past or recently, my thoughts go out to you.
I’m fortunate enough to say that at 19 years old, I’ve only lost two family members. Despite the number, a loss is a loss and it’ll always hurt. Until a few months ago, I was lucky enough to still have all four of my grandparents. This past July, my grandmother passed away after a very long and painful ten years in long-term care. This death hit my heart in a different way than I anticipated, and it almost made me feel guilty. When my dad told me the news, I was caught up with something else. Although I was shocked and, of course, upset, I didn’t cry. I think this is something that has to become normalized when in a state of shock; processing something as drastic as death does not result in an instant reaction. Once I arrived home, I realized my grandma, the one who made the best pie I’ve ever had, the one with the most welcoming arms and warmest smile, was gone. That’s when the tears hit. Despite my sadness, I understood that this was what she needed. Between being unable to form anything close to a sentence, barely able to smile her gorgeous grin and the inability to feed herself, this passing was a blessing in disguise. With a gradual death as such, recognizing that the person I love is no longer struggling was a huge transition for my mindset on the entire situation. I was able to remember the amazing times I spent with her rather than regret not hugging her tighter the last time I said goodbye. However, I will admit, you can never be fully ready. As prepared as you think you are to have a loved one no longer suffering, being “ready” for death is a myth. But that’s okay, gradual or sudden, it’s okay to not be okay.
On the other hand, there are sudden deaths. This one hurts. A few springs ago, I lost my uncle out of the blue. This loss was hard and painful, as well as my first experience of losing someone. I didn’t know how to process this. It felt like it came out of nowhere, as he hadn’t been ill or suffering. This loss also took a toll on many of my family members. As I think back, I see that coping with a loss such as this was different but featured some of the same elements as a gradual death. I had decided to cope with it the way he would’ve wanted me to, which, of course, is different for everyone. Knowing my uncle, he would’ve wanted my family and I to have a drink, talk about fun experiences we had with him, laugh and, overall enjoy each other’s presence. He was one of the most laid back and go-with-the-flow individuals I knew, and I know he would’ve wanted us to all be together in a time such as that one. This death is still hard to deal with, but I’ve found peace knowing that he had a wonderful life despite it being cut short. I believe coping with sudden death is all about time: taking time to mourn, allowing yourself to be sad, spending time with your loved ones, appreciating each other’s company and recognizing that recovering takes time.
At the end of the day, the loss of a loved one will never be easy. A gentle reminder that healing is not linear. Take care of yourselves, your hearts and your loved ones.
XO