I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. As a result, prescription medications play a large role in allowing me to live my life. Without them, my quality of life is greatly decreased, but the thing about prescribed medications is that they have side effects.
Generally, you get some side effects for the first few weeks of a new prescription. They suck and you suffer a little, but they go away, and the medication does its job. Typically, these side effects are the common ones, which may include constipation, dizziness, rashes and drowsiness, which things that will eventually go away.
Sometimes, they’re rarer.
I’m one of those lucky few who get to experience the rarer side effects for a prolonged period of time. Specifically, I suffer from memory loss because of my prescription.
I’m working with my physician to find a new medication. We’re hoping to find a prescription that can allow me to function on a day-to-day basis, but also one that doesn’t have the same adverse effects. This does mean, however, that I get to go through the common side effects that come with a prescription change, which is annoying, but something I’m willing to do if it means the memory loss can be left behind and forgotten.
The thing about memory loss is, besides straight up sucking, it creates a world of confusion and frustration. I can’t tell you if I’ve taken my prescription for the day because I don’t remember. I have to trust that when my alarm went off, I took it right away and didn’t just dismiss it on the basis of “I’ll just remember to take it in a few minutes” because I won’t.
When I came back from reading week, I was certain someone had to have used up my soap because I couldn’t have; I would have remembered using it and I would never have left an empty bottle that long. I still don’t know if I was the one who used it up before I left or if it could have been one of my roommates.
I frequently miss deadlines if I don’t set multiple alarms and reminders. I’ll be in the middle of doing something, take a break and then forget what I was doing entirely. Not in the “I can’t remember why I entered this room” way, but a “I’ve got nothing left to do” way. The task catches the wind and slips away.
It took me multiple months to remember to book an appointment with my physician about changing my prescription in hopes the memory loss won’t continue.
The only reason I remember any of this is because of my support system. On the daily, my life is pour a glass of milk, leave glass on the counter to put away the milk carton, forget about glass of milk, discover glass of milk a few hours later, mention this event to a friend or family member, then forget about the glass of milk again until I’m reminded of it and can finally remember to do something about it. It’s not fun and it’s not quirky. It’s frustrating and it has brought me to tears on many occasions.
This isn’t just a short term, run of the mill side effect. It’s not expected or accepted. It impacts my everyday life.
Memory loss isn’t just another one of the side effects; it’s the price I pay to continue living my life and coincidentally, it’s what now prevents me from living it to it’s fullest. So, when I can remember to, I work with my physician so we can figure out a new treatment. For me, the reality is that I need to be medicated to some degree because my brain does not produce the various chemicals it needs to. I can’t just drop the medication and continue with my life. That’s not how it works for me. We have to find a different solution and until we find it, this stumbling through the fog is my reality.