Hello hello, Her Campus, welcome to today’s rage-fueled rant about societal expectations. What’s on the chopping block today? Heteronormative crush culture.
Well, rage-fueled rant might be a bit of an overstatement. I’ve been reflecting recently about some of the friendships I’ve had over the years, and how I’ve been pressured into certain expectations because of my close friendships with both boys and girls. This is an exhausting problem that’s followed me around since I was barely eight.
I still remember my first crush: a guy I’d known since kindergarten, who I liked from grade one, all the way until the fourth grade. I wasn’t subtle either. Everyone knew, even him for a moment in time. You might ask why an elementary-school kid had a crush so obvious that the whole grade figured it out, but it’s not like I was an overly flirtatious little child. We just happened to be a boy and a girl in our school that hung out together a lot.
It was right around that age that it stopped being socially acceptable to be friends with the other gender. I mean, sure, little kids play together all the time, and for us, it was always leaf forts and manhunt, but once you get older, your tastes develop. Girls tend to stay with girls, and boys tend to stay with boys.
I suppose I must‘ve told a few friends I liked him, and the circle of people knowing just expanded with the childlike love of unnecessary gossip. Even after we both confessed to each other, we never dated. What were we going to do? We were nine. That didn’t stop everyone’s disappointment when we weren’t the first couple in elementary school.
When I reached middle school, I started having more “boy-ish” interests. I’d play Minecraft with the guys or complain about clothes shopping and I wouldn’t wear makeup. These aren’t even completely gendered interests but paired with my nonchalance at having a co-ed friend group, they felt like big things. The questions started then. “You guys always hang out!”, “Are you and him dating?”, “Do you like him?”, “Does he like you?”. Every time I had to answer, “no, we’re just friends.”
At the time, I didn’t really understand why boys and girls couldn’t be friends, why my parents and neighbours would “coo” and “awe” when I talked about one of the boys I was friends with. Could I only hang out with a boy I was dating? Did boys only talk to me because I was cute? Did I need to try to look cuter? It was a whole host of confusion.
I got confessed to in middle school. It was one of my friends who I was completely fine with but didn’t like in a romantic sense. He was pleasantly nice and genuinely a really good person. I had no problem with his feelings, I just didn’t return them and I probably told him such by the time we graduated grade eight. The problem came from his friends, who would bully and tease him for liking me. They’d push him into situations alone with me, tell him to ask me out, comment on how I looked and even make jokes about us having sex. That was the uncomfortable part. The expectations that came with crushes and the bluntness that came from our friends that teased him.
I’ve been confessed to a few times and even confessed myself. In high school, I became really close friends with one of the boys in some of my classes. We were best friends for a while. We’d eat lunch and walk home together, and we weren’t trying to hide it. He was cute, I was cute and eventually, random classmates I’d barely had one conversation with would ask if we were dating, if we liked each other or if we’d done anything. Again, my family friends got all excited that I had a boy space friend. One girl specifically asked me if we were “wheeling,” which she had to explain to me was “when a girl and boy are practically dating but haven’t made it official.”
Everywhere I looked, there were expectations between us. People would tease us both, and they would compare him to other boys I talked to and asked if I was jealous when he talked to other girls. They would make bets on when we’d start dating and assure me that we definitely liked each other, that I didn’t know my own emotions, that there was no way we’d tolerate each other otherwise.
It got to the point that I started to question my own feelings. Maybe we were supposed to date. That’s what girls and boys do, right? That’s what everyone was expecting. And eventually, I did have a crush on him and, for the longest time, he’d had a crush on me too. We couldn’t tell though, since we were surrounded by people who shipped us. Everyone expected us to get together, the pressure was rising exponentially and by the time we actually agreed to go out, the feelings were almost gone, leaving me to question if I ever had a crush on him in the first place.
What to do, what to do?
I see a lot of “gamer girls” on TikTok complaining that they get confessed to by their guy friends all the time. I have too, and I’ve had to deal with the awkward moment of denying someone I care about. Some guys take rejection really hard and become rude and standoffish, a complete change from how they were when you thought you were just friends. Some get really awkward, and your friendship fades away slowly. The best kinds are those that recognize your friendship and are completely fine with continuing the platonic relationship you had. I’m so grateful to these people.
I just ask that everyone be polite and respectful. You can’t change your feelings any more than you can change your skin colour. Sometimes things just happen, and they either work or they don’t. But don’t make things confusing by making assumptions. Boys and girls can be friends. People with similar interests can be friends. Two people of the same sexual orientation can be friends. Friends can be friends. I know it’s fun to gossip about the friends that are particularly close, but speculation doesn’t help. It just confuses and pressures both parties. Most of the time, there’s nothing to speculate about.
I also ask that we communicate. I know, you’ve heard it everywhere, communication is key to a healthy relationship. It’s true, you need to communicate how you feel. Don’t bottle things up. Let people know what you’re thinking and talk about it in a mature and open way. You can avoid a lot of complications in the long run, maybe it’ll bring you even closer.
I hope my reflection was helpful to you, and that in the future, we can avoid some of the stereotypes that come with co-ed friendships. Thanks for reading :)