It’s Valentine’s Day, the season of love! With that, there’s a lot of attention right now on sex, safe sex, and consent. Those are all extremely important topics, but in BDSM where does consent start and end? What really is safe sex when you’re tied up and gagged? If you’re in the community, I’m sure those answers come very easily, but to those who are not, its easier to shame away what we don’t understand.
For the general population, BDSM is probably something that we’re curious about but too nervous to really look at. We can watch Fifty Shades of Grey, go home, and shame the people who do things like that in real life — in a healthier way. We like to stay in our safe little vanilla bubbles, pretending like we aren’t interested. And maybe you’re not! But that’s no reason to yuck someone else’s yum.
What other people do in the bedroom is none of anyone else’s business. Sometimes, those things will come outside of the bedroom, and we can make jokes to get out of uncomfortable situations. Finding out someone’s kinks can make you look at them in a completely different way, and that’s okay too. It’s an incredibly intimate thing to know about a person.
However, it’s important to remember that everyone does their own thing in the bedroom. Just like one position may be awful for one couple and be the best for another, kinks take chemistry and communication. As long as all parties are consenting to the sex, no matter how kinky, it’s their choice and they should be encouraged to do what makes them happy and turns them on.
BDSM couples will have safe words for when something is too much. They can slow down or stop the acts entirely. As much as some of the acts may seem abusive — hitting and spanking, for example — a lot of them are more about trust than they are about power.
It’s okay to experiment with your sexuality. Figure out your own fantasies and don’t be afraid to tell your partner about them. No one has to know except for you, but it’ll be more fun if you share them with someone who can help you to make them a reality!
If you’re looking to learn more about the community or find a possible partner, you can always check out FetLife, a social media designed just for kinky people. Be warned, there are a lot of dick pics and this website is totally not safe for work, but the people there accept every kink you’ve ever heard of and plenty of others you haven’t.
You’ll be amazed the scope of what people are into, and it’s not just about women being submissive to men. There are thousands of kinks for every gender combination and possible role. If you want to top? Go for it. Wear a tail? You do you. Really into hot wax? Give it a shot! As long as you and your partner both want it, there’s nothing holding you back.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in the bedroom, but there’s no need to ridicule someone for their sexual preferences either. From Dom to Daddy, if they’re not bugging you, let them be. As long as all parties are consenting adults, any amount of hoot, holler, or muffled screams should be taken as a sign of pleasure, not of shame.