In Waterloo, St. Paddy’s is a serious holiday – so serious that we set alarms on Saturday for 8 am. My alarm is chased with a Twisted Tea I left for myself on my bedside table, then a mimosa “because it’s a breakfast drink!” (at least we pretend to be classy). My friends and I get dressed up in green crop tops and jean jackets at the pre, giggling throughout the whole process. We make green jungle juice (the ingredients of which are still foreign to me), but someone slipped a whole bottle of absinthe in. No hallucinations, just sideways floors for me to stumble across.
Here I am, shitfaced at 10 am. I’m not exactly sure how much I drank, and I lost my chase. I’m drinking straight from the bottle, a mickey of rum (I’ve given up on being classy). We move to the second pre. I like to remind people that “I’m never this drunk!” I think they believe me. I go around the room introducing myself (at least twice) to everyone. I am officially “black-out.”
Back around the room I go, introducing myself again. But this time, I think it’s the first time.
“Hi, I’m Emma.”
“I know, we’ve already met.”
“No, we haven’t.”
“I just talked to you like five minutes ago,” and the girl laughs.
I do not laugh. I am dazed and confused. And this stranger, who I’ve apparently met before, possibly multiple times, doesn’t know what to do.
Then, I began to cry. And I’m not a cute crier either. I’m Jennifer Lawrence Hunger Games-style crying. We have officially moved into trashy drunk. I have come to learn: black-out Emma is a crier! (A crier who will share my entire life story and demand sweat pants). So, if there’s anything I can teach you from my story: don’t lose your chase!
But if you do cry, well, chug some water and eat some chips. Paddy’s isn’t over yet!
Steps following: go to Ezra. Take that one candid (not candid) photo. Trust drunk strangers to hold your phone and take a picture of you and your friends. Decide to move down the street. Tell all your friends to “make a chain!” Almost lose your group of friends. Find your group. Squeal in excitement like you are Tom Hanks from Cast Away and you just found Wilson.
Leave Ezra around noon. Go to Bianca’s. Order a large pizza, extra cheesy and greasy. Eat half of it… maybe all. Don’t fear the grease, who needs napkins anyways?
You’re so full you could slip into a food coma. Decide a 20-minute nap would be nice. Wake up 4 hours later, blanket crease down the middle of your face. Your mascara is smeared. Ask your friends if you look like a racoon. Don’t trust their judgment.
It’s now 5 pm. You are hungover. Wipe that racoon makeup off your face. Get ready to start drinking again you dirty blonde bitch. Tip: plug your nose when you drink more booze (the smell will make you want to throw up).
Be safe while partying this St. Paddy’s. Drink water, eat pizza and don’t cry at 10 am if you get black-out.