Let’s be real: everyone judges a book by its cover, and if that book so happens to be a person with some romance or a hot night on the line, the first conversation is make-or-break. While some more creative pickups can be super impressive, the majority just … flop. And yet, whether on Tinder or Bumble or from some rando at a bar, we never seem to escape them.
My friends’ joke that I’m bad luck because the only pickups I’ve gotten are either super odd themselves or the surrounding situation is super odd. But it turns out, after asking some other friends and fellow writers, that mine isn’t even the weirdest. So, to honour the upcoming April Fool’s Day, I thought “why not honour some of the most foolish lines we’ve encountered with a list of the highlights?”
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you’re an angel.”
The line is eye roll-inducing enough on its own, but if it’s 2:00 a.m., snowing and I’m walking home alone, you definitely aren’t getting anywhere.
“If you’re ever feeling down, just remember you’re the sperm that won” *wink*
The best part is that the man who pulled this move pulled it in the middle of class. Props for originality, at least. Please, do tell me more about the sperm that I’m made of.
“Do you like farmer tans?” *rolls sleeve up* “Because I’ve got one right here.”
Okay — full disclosure — this guy was actually pretty hot, and I’ll give him points for creativity. But … really? I’m assuming this was a bit of a ploy to show me his arms, but we were a) in the middle of a movie theatre, while b) he was working and c) there was no major muscle there anyway.
“Are you sure you’re not Serbian?” *husky voice* There’s just something about your eyes…”
This was after chasing me down the sidewalk shouting about his country’s flag. Let me also clarify that I was looking down at my phone and my hood was on, so I’m not sure how much of my eyes he saw anyway. PS. Yes, I’m sure—thank you for checking?
“Call me when your boyfriend cheats on you — I’ll have a free shoulder for you to cry on.”
You’re bold enough to pull a move in person and this is what you choose? Seriously? Free shoulder, maybe, but I’ll pay you to leave, bud.
“You haven’t been on a date in a year and a half. Do you know what that is?”
First of all, rude. According to my friend, this was also followed by him trying to define the meaning of “date” to her when she kept saying no. Mansplaining 101 = Rejection 101.
“Girl, you’re thicker than a snicker.”
This is a weird try already, but worsened by the fact that the poor girl on the receiving end said that he then “proceeded to make out with my chin.”
And of course, the one that everyone suggested: your classic dick pic.