Guess who’s single and ready to…
rewatch every Disney princess movie and avoid all my real-life responsibilities?
I think about the Little Mermaid at least three times a day. One evening, as I sat at the dinner table ruminating on the cinematic masterpiece that is Ariel’s floofy hair, my thoughts quickly shifted to her dreamboat of a prince. And that’s when I realized the love interests in these movies never get any attention.
Sure, some of them deserve to be turned into polyps and eaten by Ursula but others aren’t so bad.
On a scale of Frozen to Frozen 2, who are the best and worst Disney princes? Let’s find out.
Those who should definitely be turned into polyps
Hans (Frozen): He commits the cardinal sin of having evil-looking sideburns. Oh yeah, and there’s also the fact that he left Anna to die, imprisoned Elsa, tried to take over the kingdom and other bad things. I’ll give him this: Love is an Open Door is a wonderful duet and possibly the most underrated song in Frozen.
John Smith (Pocahontas): A tough one to rank, because besides being boring, there’s nothing wrong with John Smith in the movie per se. But the real John Smith was said to be a pretentious man who made up lies about their relationship to gain notoriety. Pocahontas was ten when they first met. Rewriting history to paint John Smith as our romantic lead? Yeah, no. Also – Kocoum deserved better.
Prince Charming (Cinderella): Someone egotistical enough to call themselves “Charming” definitely deserves to be eaten by Ursula. Where is this charm he speaks of? Also, did no one mention the slight problem with searching for his missing girl by checking every person’s foot size? The lack of brain cells is strong with this one.
Those who … wait, literally who???
Florian (Snow White): I hate to say it — I hope I don’t sound ridiculous — I don’t know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this man.
Phillip (Sleeping Beauty): Prince Phillip is a walking boyfriend checklist. Hot? Check. Has a pet horse? Check. Is good at stabbing things? Check. Will kiss you to break an evil curse? Check! But he lacks personality. He’s so nice and good that he feels like a cardboard cut-out of a person who is not in the slightest bit compelling.
Kristoff (Frozen): Ladies, get yourself a man who swaps spit with their pet reindeer. So, he’s a bit of a fixer-upper but he has his fun moments. When he’s first introduced to Anna, he calls her out for falling in love with a guy she just met. It’s a great scene, later negated by the fact that he does the exact same thing. And falling in love completely erases any trace of his sarcastic personality which is kind of sad.
Those who should have been turned into polyps but then redeemed themselves
Adam (Beauty and the Beast): He starts off the movie as an elitist prince then transforms into the titular beast who is harsh and cold. Not the greatest start but he more than redeems himself when he gives Belle his library. What more could a girl ask for? Also, the way he slurps soup is life goals.
Li Shang (Mulan): It must be said: Li Shang was a bit sexist. He ignores Mulan after finding out she’s a woman and only follows along with her plan because he cannot think of a better one. But he learns his lesson by the end of the movie and his abs are too glorious not to give him a second chance.
Naveen (The Princess and the Frog): Is he lazy and incredibly privileged? Yup. He’s kind of an ass. Then Tiana knocks him down a few pegs and we get to see an endearing side of him. He’s also a great dancer and a professional mincer, so bonus points for that. Pair all of his skills with a sexy smile and it’s impossible not to fall in love.
Those who must be protected at all costs
Aladdin (Aladdin): Aladdin is your resident bad boy with a heart of gold. Granted, his fez is ridiculous but that aside he’s pretty great. In one of his first scenes, we see him giving food to a homeless child despite having nothing himself. Does your significant other have a car? Well, Aladdin has a magic carpet that can fly you anywhere in the world. I know who I would choose.
Eric (Ariel): He is hot, rich and has a dog. If you want to claim that he’s underdeveloped, I won’t disagree with you. But I dare you to watch a clip of him goofing around with his fluffy dog and not instantly melt. Plus, he has a good sense of humour. When Ariel blows smoke in his assistant Grimsby’s face, he’s laughing right along with her. Let’s be honest, Eric is the TRUE prince charming.
Flynn Ryder (Tangled): From the moment he appeared on screen in 2010, he stole our hearts like a skilled thief. Beneath the roguish persona and biting sarcasm is a good guy doing what he has to for survival’s sake. He ultimately becomes a better person because of Rapunzel but at no point in the movie does he come off as unlikable. Clever, handsome and compelling – Flynn is the best Disney prince there is.
I was so close to ranking the Disney princesses by how much I like their hair, so you got lucky this time. But sooner or later you might just find yourself in the beast’s castle as my captive audience. Until then!