Growing up, I don’t think I have ever been a daddy’s girl or a mommy’s girl enough for it to really mean something the way it does when I say that I am my sister’s girl. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely love my parents and maybe I’ll talk about how grateful I am for them and everything that they’ve done for me, but this isn’t about them. This is an homage to my older sister.
She’s six years older than me, meaning that ever since I came into this world, I’ve always had this enthusiastic (read: annoying) person beside me. I’m convinced that it wasn’t the doctor that pulled me out but rather my sister with grabby hands and a big smile.
I always thought to myself that when I grew older, I was going to be just like her. I wanted to dress like her, so I stole her clothes in the morning and would change into them when I got to school—which was so embarrassing, because I had no reason to be wearing blouses and pants from Dynamite when I was in 7th grade. I wanted to talk, laugh and think like she did, so I made sure we had the same interests and I would copy her exact words when I expressed just how much I loved Twilight. I was even on Team Edward, whatever that meant.
It’s interesting to see how time changes our perception of people. I don’t remember much of my childhood, but the things I do remember all relate to my sister. I remember the day I realized that she wasn’t just my best friend, but my much older sister who has lived six years ahead of me. There was one moment that truly changed the way I saw her: when I was 12 and caught her crying on the floor in the middle of the night. I woke up to get water and saw that her light was still on at 3 a.m., so I went to go check—and there she was, clutching her chest while crying silently on the floor. That night I went to sleep thinking that I would literally burn the person who did that to her and anyone who would try.
Through every obstacle she went through, she always passed down words of wisdom, so I will share them with you.
Your mistakes don’t define you.
Growing up, my sister didn’t have it easy. Due to our age difference, it felt like I only ever saw her having a rough time. She was always my cranky older sister, constantly ordering me around. Then suddenly, we grew up and now it feels like I’m truly looking at her for the first time. I realize now that she was never actually that cranky but rather misunderstood. The biggest thing that I learned from her was that your past does not define you. Making mistakes is a natural result of living and messing up is inevitable, no matter how hard you try. It’s hard to forgive yourself for things that went wrong, but all you can really do is learn from it and move on. It’s a little hypocritical that I’m writing this because everyone that knows me knows that I am way too hard on myself, but I hope this message passes on to anyone who finds themselves guilt-ridden or anxious about the past. It’s hard and almost earth shattering but it’s okay and you’re okay.
Know your worth.
I am the type of person who is given an inch and will try to build the world with it. I think I’ve always thought that nothing good was ever meant for me and somehow the universe made a mistake by blessing me with a great sister. I can’t even begin to explain the opportunities that I’ve missed out on because I thought I wasn’t worth it, or I wasn’t good enough for it. I seek reassurance in every word ever spoken to me and in every glance sent my way. It wasn’t until I was sitting in a park in Seattle with my sister and her boyfriend talking about how much more I could be doing with my life that I realized that there has always been someone assuring me that I’m doing okay. When I look in the mirror, it is my sister who looks back, saying “if not you, then who else?” I learned that it’s important to remember that everyone has their own journey and comparison truly is the thief of joy. A reminder to all my girls out there: the power to create the life you desire is only up to you. Hating yourself won’t take you anywhere, so give yourself a chance because happiness and success are very close by.
It’s funny really, the way I love my sister, but she will never really understand how much I do. Jane Austen once wrote, “I cannot make speeches, but if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about I more.” I think about it every time I want to call my sister to tell her much she means to me. For now, I watch from across the world as she lives her best life somewhere along the coast of Australia finishing law school, carrying half of my heart.
I regret the years that I wasted being childish and not appreciating my older sister the way she deserved, so I hope in my next life we are sisters again—except where I am the older one, just so I can care for her the way she did for me.
To Soummya, who has loved me unconditionally throughout all my stupid decisions and horrible attitudes, happy women’s history month. I will teach our kids about the kind of love and support that exists because you have shown it to me.
To all the girls out there, I may not be your blood sister, but I will always support you as a woman so forgive yourself and believe in yourself because we are made for so much more! <3